A Moment of Transparency

John Lennon once said, "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans". Those words haunt me now. I recently found out that having a baby will not be easy for me. And my plans of finishing school and starting a family, you know doing it the "right" way, was never something I had the power to plan for in the first place. Isn't that frustrating?!? This whole time I was planning, because that is who I am by nature, and little did I know I was wasting time, energy, and worse yet opportunity. But here I stand on this side of the truth, looking back does me no good. I can't change it.

But looking forward seems to do no good either. I walk into stores, past baby clothes then my eyes uncontrollably well up with tears. This activity, which was harmless before learning the truth, now is painful. I admit that before, when I would walk past the tiniest, cutest clothes there was longing, but it was assuaged by the thought that "soon, soon, my time will come". Now the thought is "will I, can I...if..."

I know that this is not the end of my family opportunities. Adoption was always part of the plan. I think I am just mourning the loss of this part of the plan, the dream. There is something primal about the desire to bear a child. It is irrational and so powerful. And that is why, I think, this is affecting so much.

The news I got from the doctor was unofficial, and I have to admit that I hesitate to take the tests to find out officially. I don't think I could take that now, not just yet. And I am still hanging, clinging to the words and hope of my mother, "Mija, your time will come, God knows". Yes, the Great Mystery knows, and meanwhile I will walk past the tiny dresses and jumpers quickly, narrowly escaping a potentially embarrassing scene, living my life outside of the perfect plan.