I'm Back!

A picture of me and my family (yes, Sara, you are family) at my credential "graduation".

Well, friends, I am back! After a long 11 months I am back. And it is good to be back. Should I bore you with the minute details of these last months? I can, you know…hello? Okay, I am not that cruel. Here it is, the condensed soup version: I completed my course work for the teaching specialist program at Cal State University, Fullerton. It was harder than I ever thought it would be, but it was also a wonderful experience. I went through the accelerated program so I could be done in two semesters. To complete this program you join a cohort and you are stuck in that cohort for the remainder of the program. Us Day-Blockers, as we called ourselves, saw each other more than we saw our own families. In fact, we spent so much time together we were our own little dysfunctional family; we loved each other and we hated each other. In fact two of our professors made that exact comment about our Day-Block; they could tell who got on whose nerves, who was the loud-mouth, who was the peacemaker, etc. But we made it through! Phew! Now all I have left is to pass a test, so keep those fingers crossed, the test is on June 13^th.

And that pretty much covers my life in the recent past. It has been school, school, school, work, school, sleep, school, cry, school, try to exercise, school… and now I am totally in relax mode. I need to get off my lazy rear and start looking for work. Which, by the way, is the first question anyone asks you when you graduate: Do you have a job yet? Are you looking for a job now? … Ugh! Let me breathe for a second, or at least ask a more thoughtful question, like “What was the hardest part of the program?” “What was the best?” “Tell me about your student teaching experience.”  It seems like people are in such a rush to put me in a box for the future. I know that they are just being nice and asking the socially expected question, but seriously people, I barely finished a life-changing program, stop asking me about tomorrow as though what I just endured was not interesting. It was, I promise you, it really was. I have some great stories to share, some great info to pass on. So ask me about it now that I am still inspired before the cynicism sets it.

But to answer the question, am I looking for work? No, not right now. I’m taking a class this summer and I’m really excited about it. But, in short, this class has nothing to do with teaching. It is a class for me, for my creativity, for my need to learn about art. I don’t know what I expect to gain from this class, except maybe better perspective on my life and what path I would like to take. I know, I know, I just got my teaching credential, why on earth am I confused about what path I am taking next??? But if I understood myself well enough to make the obvious decision I would not be a 27 year old barely getting her teaching credential, I would be a 27 year old with a Masters degree on her way to getting her doctorate. I am learning to let the inner voice within have authority in my life, to trust that God is my provider, and to believe that my life here is temporal, and if I am willing, there is a grand adventure He is calling me to. I want to be willing, and I am working on that!

And friends did I mention that it is great to be back!

Birthday etc.

I turned 26 in January. I can round up to 30 now! And only I have 2 years left to try out for American Idol. Eeek! I better get my act together! Okay, not really, I don't have any inkling to try out for Americal Idol...well maybe a mild curiosity to see if Simon would tear me up. But that's it really, I promise. Still age is something that has been brought up to my attention recently. It sems the world around me is turning 30, consequently panic is setting in. Many of my friends have already crossed the milestone while some are on their last lap before they reach it. And it is apparently a sign that we are getting old(-er), and it forces us to ask those questions: What am I doing? What have I done with my life? My dreams?

The answers may not be what we imagined for ourselves, but there is still hope. I am so encouraged to see my friends struggle with these issues bravely, and stand up and say, "Life, you ain't seen nothin' yet!" I have friends making incredible decision to start families, friends who have decided to start their own businesses and to throw themselves whole-heartedly into it. Friends who are looking for love, and wondering if they missed their chance, but refuse to let that define them. And friends who are facing the truth, that maybe the dreams they had aren't what they want anymore, and have to fearlessly let those dreams go. You are all role models to me.

And where do I land in all of this? Well, I am headed back to school, while my friends are grappling with these decision, almost as if I were doing things backwards. And yet I too feel the weight of that number 30. As a woman it seems to mean more, it is a ticking clock reminding you to hurry up if you want that family. Because no matter how young I feel, my body will not wait for me. And I hear the words, "We had a miscarriage" "We are pregnant" "We bought a house" but, you see, I just am not ready for those words to come out of my own mouth. Now is not the time. Like in all other areas of my life, I am a slow bloomer, taking my time, discovering myself and my God as I go. And right now it seems I am to make some backward steps and head to school, and papers, and homework, and studying once again. And I feel a bit foolish about it, but my friends have been so supportive and sweet to me, encouraging me that going back to school is an investment in the future. So really they are steps forward, not backward. I know they are right, but I feel kinda left out nonetheless. Oh you damn emotions, will I ever master you!?!

So when I turned 26 I thought I should have been more panicked about it, but I wasn't. Things were definitely different, there was no big party, no balloons, not many presents, but the few I got were very special! One of the best presents ever was from my bestest bud Denise. She sent a package filled with special things that in the past I told her I was interested it, or things she thought I would love. She has spent the last couple of years hunting these things down for me, and this year she had it all ready in time for my brithday. NOTE: Getting a package in the mail is seriously one of the greates gifts ever! You feel so special, excited, just like a little kid!

So what was in the package? Can you tell from the image above? ... Give up? ... In no particular order we have:

Flight of Dragons- an animated film that has permanently affected Denise. Can't wait to be tranformed myself!
Waking Life- a film that Denise really liked, and that I have always wanted to see.
Their Eyes Were Watching God- a book that was spoken of highly in my American Lit class at CSUF. Also a staple in high school lit classes, but I never got to read. I am ready for this one, I have a journal picked out and everything, so I can fully experience the story!
Passing- another book that was highly recommended, about the life of an African American woman and her struggles with segregation. Why am I drawn to these heavy ones? Don't know but I can't wait to read her!
Debut- Bjork's first solo album, I stole this from Denise for a few years then gave it back to her last year, and now she got me my very own copy. She knows me well!
Penguin card- I love this card. The inside reads, "I love you this much!" Awww...go on!

How many did you guess right? Wasn't that just the best present ever?

So I guess 26, isn't so bad, and going back to school isn't so bad. And I just got married, so I am not ready for all the grown up stuff yet. Don't know if I ever will be. I have no idea what I would name my first child, haven't even thought about it. But I do know what I would name my first dog, Euky. Maybe this is a very telling thing about me and my future, maybe not. Meanwhile I got a lot of reading and movie watching to do...and if you need a break from all the grown up stuff, pull up a chair, there is always room in my home for you!

How do you express yourself creatively?

So a few weeks back Jonathan's friends were visiting from Alaska. Since they couldn't make it to our wedding, they wanted to take us out for dinner to celebrate. I was a wee bit nervous, because I always feel like such a kid around some of Jonathan's friends, like this couple. I know it's silly, they are only around five years older than I am, it really isn't that big of a difference as far as the numbers go, but it is more like they are older than in me in stages of life. See I just got married, they have been married for five plus years. They have two girls, I have have two plants. You see what I mean? There is a stage of life that they have entered that suddenly makes them more mature. Like when my little brother had a son, suddenly he was the sage elder imparting wisdom on my life. Maybe I am too synical, maybe in these life stages so much growth happens that you really do mature exponentially. I dunno. Still I can't help but feeling like a high school kid, happily reading comics, and researching new bands, and living with relatively few responsibilities, while people around my age are buying houses, having babies, or planning on having babies. I don't regret my life, I am happy with it, but I can't explain this sense of inferiority when I interact with these "adults". Ah, silly girl, you are just a slow blooming flower, and even when you do bloom, you will likely be a bright orange in a mostly lavender field.

Well on to the the dinner. The dinner was YUM! We went to a British Pub and I had a cornish pasty, with mashed potatoes, and steamed veggies. So good. And we were all so stuffed that we shared a sticky toffee pudding for dessert. Yes, I broke my dairy fast for this tempting dish. So worth it! We didn't want the night to end, so we went to a nearby jazz bar and had a few drinks, and chatted the night away.

It was during this time of conversation that the question posed in the title was asked of me. We had been discussing the musical career and endeavors of my husband, and then of his sister, both talented songwriters and musicians. I also have dabbled in music, and to this I believe the friends were hinting when they asked me, "So, Susanne, how do you express yourself creatively?" And I , in my most sincere tone, replied, "Oh, I crochet, and I craft." Their expressions quickly moved from interest to confusion. Noting their perplexed countenances, I realized, my reponse was unexpected, and dare I say it, even unbelievable. Crochet??? Can that really be considered a form of creative exression??? Admittedly it lacks the glamour that acting, dancing, or songwriting maintain, and it might even evoke images of granny sitting in a rocking chair watching day-time soaps, BUT that was my honest initial response.

After this flub, I tried to defend the craft, and show them how it is a valid art form. But that was going nowhere, so I cleared my throat and said, "And I write songs and sing too." And there it was, the response they wanted. And we then were able to have a short discussion about my creative endeavors, you know the legitimate ones.

Funny thing is , I really believe that crochet and music are wonderful creative outlets for me. I love them both. I enter seasons with each. There are seasons when, if I have any free time, I have my guitar in hand and I belt out songs that make me cry, much to my neighbor's dismay, I am sure. And there are seasons when I just can't stop crocheting, and I am adventurously trying new and more complicated patterns, adjusting them here and there so that they suit my fancy, and loving it! Both are true forms of creative expression, for me anyway. How about you? How do you express yourself creatively? I promise not to judge. *wink*

This is how I expressed myself creatively this week:

Not bad, huh?