My How Quickly It Flies...

So four years ago today I married my best friend. And we are even better friends now than we were then, which I didn't think was possible. And, yes, I know how sappy that sounds, but there it is, the truth. What can I say, sometimes the truth is sappy.

So here is the not so sappy part. Up until three days ago I had hoped to give my best friend the best anniversary present EVER! (at least for us at this time in our lives). But then I got my period, and well there went my present. Not pregnant. Again. I knew this was coming, I mean I took a test on Saturday and failed. But, if you've ever spoken honestly with a woman trying to make a mini-you-me combo, you know how completely irrational, and crazy we are. So of course the negative test meant absolutely nothing, because there was a slim chance it could be a false negative, right? I told you, we are irrational. And though I desperately cling to this crazy hope, that Saturday I was sad.

Will this ever happen for us? What is wrong with my body? How the hell do high school girls make this seem so easy and accidental?!?! And as I was about to be consumed by the dark thought that we may never get our dream, my best friend made me laugh. He, of course, had no idea what crazy thoughts I was having in my mind. He was just being himself. And himself makes me laugh, and wonder at humanity, and ponder at how wonderfully and beautifully made we truly are.

That is when I realized that if our future holds only the two us alone, that that is enough, more than enough. I love love love my husband. These last four years have been better than all the 25 I spent not married to him. I am truly happy with our life, our home, our dogs, our life style. And he is wrapped up in every single element. I am blessed, because I met someone who intrigues me and who for some odd reason finds me interesting too. From each other we learn and grow. With each other we overcome struggles and trials. He makes me a better person (again with the sappy) and I truly wish everyone could spend time with him because he has a way of rubbing off on folks. This world would be a way better place if people were a little more like him.

So what did I end up giving him as a gift anyway? Nothing. Not a thing. We're broke. Broke and happy. And blessed.

A bit of everything...

I got back on Tuesday from a trip to Guatemala. We originally went for a wedding, and also so Jonathan could visit this beautiful country where I spent many of my childhood summers. We did way more than we ever anticipated.

There was:

a wedding

a funeral

a mob riot/lynching we narrowly avoided

an earthquake

fine dining

home cooked meals

bootleg dvd browsing

volcano climbing

exploring ancient religious ruins

priceless stories

time with family

spooking a dog

and so much more.

It was an amazing trip!

Thanks Mom and Dad.

Birthday etc.

I turned 26 in January. I can round up to 30 now! And only I have 2 years left to try out for American Idol. Eeek! I better get my act together! Okay, not really, I don't have any inkling to try out for Americal Idol...well maybe a mild curiosity to see if Simon would tear me up. But that's it really, I promise. Still age is something that has been brought up to my attention recently. It sems the world around me is turning 30, consequently panic is setting in. Many of my friends have already crossed the milestone while some are on their last lap before they reach it. And it is apparently a sign that we are getting old(-er), and it forces us to ask those questions: What am I doing? What have I done with my life? My dreams?

The answers may not be what we imagined for ourselves, but there is still hope. I am so encouraged to see my friends struggle with these issues bravely, and stand up and say, "Life, you ain't seen nothin' yet!" I have friends making incredible decision to start families, friends who have decided to start their own businesses and to throw themselves whole-heartedly into it. Friends who are looking for love, and wondering if they missed their chance, but refuse to let that define them. And friends who are facing the truth, that maybe the dreams they had aren't what they want anymore, and have to fearlessly let those dreams go. You are all role models to me.

And where do I land in all of this? Well, I am headed back to school, while my friends are grappling with these decision, almost as if I were doing things backwards. And yet I too feel the weight of that number 30. As a woman it seems to mean more, it is a ticking clock reminding you to hurry up if you want that family. Because no matter how young I feel, my body will not wait for me. And I hear the words, "We had a miscarriage" "We are pregnant" "We bought a house" but, you see, I just am not ready for those words to come out of my own mouth. Now is not the time. Like in all other areas of my life, I am a slow bloomer, taking my time, discovering myself and my God as I go. And right now it seems I am to make some backward steps and head to school, and papers, and homework, and studying once again. And I feel a bit foolish about it, but my friends have been so supportive and sweet to me, encouraging me that going back to school is an investment in the future. So really they are steps forward, not backward. I know they are right, but I feel kinda left out nonetheless. Oh you damn emotions, will I ever master you!?!

So when I turned 26 I thought I should have been more panicked about it, but I wasn't. Things were definitely different, there was no big party, no balloons, not many presents, but the few I got were very special! One of the best presents ever was from my bestest bud Denise. She sent a package filled with special things that in the past I told her I was interested it, or things she thought I would love. She has spent the last couple of years hunting these things down for me, and this year she had it all ready in time for my brithday. NOTE: Getting a package in the mail is seriously one of the greates gifts ever! You feel so special, excited, just like a little kid!

So what was in the package? Can you tell from the image above? ... Give up? ... In no particular order we have:

Flight of Dragons- an animated film that has permanently affected Denise. Can't wait to be tranformed myself!
Waking Life- a film that Denise really liked, and that I have always wanted to see.
Their Eyes Were Watching God- a book that was spoken of highly in my American Lit class at CSUF. Also a staple in high school lit classes, but I never got to read. I am ready for this one, I have a journal picked out and everything, so I can fully experience the story!
Passing- another book that was highly recommended, about the life of an African American woman and her struggles with segregation. Why am I drawn to these heavy ones? Don't know but I can't wait to read her!
Debut- Bjork's first solo album, I stole this from Denise for a few years then gave it back to her last year, and now she got me my very own copy. She knows me well!
Penguin card- I love this card. The inside reads, "I love you this much!" Awww...go on!

How many did you guess right? Wasn't that just the best present ever?

So I guess 26, isn't so bad, and going back to school isn't so bad. And I just got married, so I am not ready for all the grown up stuff yet. Don't know if I ever will be. I have no idea what I would name my first child, haven't even thought about it. But I do know what I would name my first dog, Euky. Maybe this is a very telling thing about me and my future, maybe not. Meanwhile I got a lot of reading and movie watching to do...and if you need a break from all the grown up stuff, pull up a chair, there is always room in my home for you!

4 Days of Singleness

Last night I went to Disneyland with Jonathan. I needed it. We shouldn't have gone because his family had just flown in and were visiting and we hadn't seen them all day. But I was panicking. I am getting married in 4 days, and well the thing is, I hate change. And this is going to be a big change. And I am scared. There I said it.

So I needed to take an evening to be with Jonathan at the "Happiest Place on Earth", and remember how much I have been longing for this day. And be reminded of how lucky and blessed I have been to have a wonderful person want to spend the rest of his life with me. It was a very needed night out, and it was wonderful!

We watched the "Parade of Dreams". I have seen it many times before, but this time we watched it from a raised sitting area near It's a Small World, quite comfy really. I waved at Belle, Ariel, and Simba, and sang along with the beautifully dressed dancers "Welcome to our Family time, welcome to our brotherly time..." And it rushed over me, as if I was a five year old girl being swept away by the magic of it all, this is my family time. Time for my old family, time for my soon-to-be family, and time to start my new family. It's this last family that I am most excited about. I am so happy to finally have a home, and that home is wherever Jonathan and I are. And maybe in the future we will add some little ones to that home, like a corgi, or a beagle. And I am so excited for that. And just like that the panic dissipated (though it keeps creeping back randomly throughout the day).

This has been such a long process. It was a year ago that Jonathan finally asked me to marry him. We had been dating for 4 years at that point and I was READY! I had just moved into a house with 8 other girls (eek!) , strangers to me, and had been feeling like an outsider. They all were very kind, and I have since come to love them all so much! But seeing as how they were all students with the wacky schedule students are bound to have, it was a rare occasion if we were ever all home at the same time. But for some reason on this particular night, all 8 girls were home, and staying up and waiting for me to come home. And waiting to see if Jonathan finally did it...And he did!!!! And there was much laughter, and smiles, and giggles, and screaming. And for the first time we took our house portrait:

Aren't they all beautiful! And yes Jonathan is in the portrait, because he is the honorary house-mate/handyman. My love! Isn't he cute!

Okay, so that was a happy night for us! There was much rejoicing, merriment, and general holiday cheer! And here we are again, two winks away from Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I am going to be married in 4 days!!! I can hardly believe that it has been a year. It went by so fast. So much has happened in that time. I am sure that in another year I will be saying the same thing.

So here's to another year, to the adventures before me, the fear within me, and the blessings of love, in all it's faces and forms!

And here is to silly pictures! To Christmas trees! To hugging arms! And to you for reading all the way through this! Next time I post I will be a married woman...