So many thoughts...

Turning Bloody 30

2012-01-16T11:36:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I turn 30. Let the "Old Lady" comments commence. Yes, it is true I am older. Maybe even old. My body certainly tells me the truth of that statement. I just don't recuperate from bumps and bruises as easily as I did when I was a kid. Colds seem to last longer, aches are more painful and lingering, muscles seems to jiggle when they were once firm.

But, you know, for all the ways that my body confirms I am getting older, there are other milestones too. In these 30 years I have finished high school, a Bachelor's Degree, a Master's Degree, I have worked my way up through a variety of jobs including stocking grocery shelves, acting in commercials, being the secretary to a vice president of the bank, substitute teacher, and finally teacher. But I think the career that I have had the longest, and one which looks like it will be a permanent part of my life, is that of a student. I have been a student for the majority of my life. Even now, after completing my Master's degree, I know in a year's time I will have to do it all again as I clear my credential, and then go on to get an Assistive Technology Certificate, and then ... well, you get the picture.

And I love it! I love learning and growing. I am challenging myself to change, to try to be better, to love more, love myself, to love the earth, to love people, and creatures. If you would have told me when I was in high school that I would one day be a teacher with granola tendencies I would have laughed in your face. And yet, here I am, and here is what I bought myself for my birthday:

and this

Have you figured out what these are yet? When you do, your reaction might be something like "Why on earth would you buy this???" or "Susanne, seriously?!?! We need to have an intervention". But I was giddy every time a box was delivered and I opened them up to find these pretties. I think I was more excited about the cute packaging. Each company had a personalized-HAND WRITTEN-note. I love those kinds of details! New Moon Pads sent me a peppermint tea bag to help sooth my pain during that time. And Party In My Pants sent me a tiny dark chocolate because we all crave chocolate during that time too. It's the little things that bring a smile to my face.

So I bought cloth pads for my birthday from 3 different companies: Party In My Pants (or P.I.M.P.- so cute!), New Moon Pads, and Lotus Pads. I have been wanting to get some cloth pads for a while now, but things kept coming up and it just never happened. But I finally did it! Yippee!!! I decided to buy a few pads from three different companies to compare them before I take the plunge and buy a complete set. This is going to be a tough choice. I love them all. For different reasons. But more on that in a later post. For now, Happy Bloody Birthday to me!!!!

I Can Read in 2011

2012-01-08T06:52:00.001-08:00

If you recall, at the end of 2010 I challenged myself to read 12 in 12 in 2011. The entire year I felt pressure to "perform" if you will. My name is Susanne and I am a goal-setter. There, I've said it. Setting goals is like a compulsion for me. I live, no,thrive because of them. This is something my husband does not understand and something that I can't explain. So it remains a mystery. My goals range from, "I will finish my homework, then I will go to Disneyland" (sensible) to "I must complete this blog entry before I can eat breakfast" (????). The first one makes sense and makes me look responsible. The second one makes me seem like I have a problem. But anyway, I better hurry up because I am hungry and would like to have some breakfast!

So here they are in the order I read them:

Sh*t MyDad Says by Justin Halpern- This is a book I bought for my husband last Christmas. He heard about it on a podcast and really wanted to read it. And now, a year later, he still hasn't read it. But I have. This is a very funny book about the relationship between a father a son. But it is the father in this true account that makes you audibly laugh and at the same time well-up with a so much love that you wish you were a father yourself. This book started as a series of Tweets Halpern began when, as a grown man, he had to move back in with his parents. His father is a genius, both professionally and in the way he weaves words. The man says what he is thinking, leaving no room for you to misinterpret his meaning, while at the same time making you appreciate social civility which demands false politeness. Halpern would daily Tweet some of the ridiculous comments his father said. This quickly garnered him a huge following, a book deal, and a TV show. While the things that Halpern's father says do not fail to shock, it is the passion and love he has for his son that truly touches and surprises.

Lift by Kelly Corrigan- I saw this book while at work one day. I was taking a group of clients out to Walmart and I saw this book on clearance. I was drawn to the cover. Yes, I am one of those people. I am weak-minded enough to actually judge books by their cover. I don't do it all the time, but when I see a compelling cover I will pick up the book 9 times out of 10. I can't help it! It's so pretty! So it was with Lift. I saw the cover. Liked it. Saw the price. Loved it. Sold! This a short book that was written as a letter by Kelly Corrigan to her daughters. In it she tells three stories about what adults go through when they choose to be parents. She gives it straight, saying that it is tough and scary and grueling, but it is worth it. While written from the perspective of a parent (something I am not), I found that I was able to relate to the call to live life more fully, to embrace the pains and the trials as part of the journey which is also filled with wonders and beauties.

How to Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris- If you are a frequent listener of "This American Life" then you have likely heard David Sedaris reading one of his essays on that program. That is how I met him. Sedaris is a master storyteller. This book is a compilation of his essays/stories. In it he tells autobiographical accounts of seemingly normal things, like a family summer vacation, or staying in a hotel, and is able to draw out the less obvious humor of the events through his observations of the ridiculous. His stories are funny, interesting, and oddly relate-able, especially as my own upbringing and life couldn't be more different from his. But that is the magic of his writing. He is able to take his own severely unique experiences and help us see ourselves in those places through his witty observations. This was a fun read, and I plan on reading more of his other books.

Listening Is an Act of Love edited by Dave Isay- This was another find I got when I found Lift by Kelly Corrigan. Do things ever happen in multiples in your life? You know that saying, "When it rains it pours"? Things seem to come into my life like this. I was listening to NPR and they had clips of regular people (not anchors or reporters) sharing their stories with loved ones. A few days later I was listening to NPR again and Dave Isay was on talking about the National Day of Listening (a day that encourages people to interview a loved one and listen to their story). Then a few days later I was in Walmart for work and I saw this book on clearance. When things happen like this I take as a gentle prompt or suggestion. So I bought the book. It has to be one my favorite books of the year. It is filled with interviews between all sorts of people- friends, lovers, parents and children, strangers, etc. The stories are as diverse as the people themselves. The stories are organized in the following general themes: Home and Family, Work and Dedication, Journeys, History and Struggle, and Fire and Water. It is a wonderful attempt to tell the American story.

Dead in the Family by Charlaine Harris- This is book 10 in the series. This series is my guilty pleasure. You know, I have tried to read a few other series and they just didn't have the combination of intrigue and pacing that I like in order to keep me hooked. Yes, I did read the Twilight series, but let me tell you, if that series was any longer that 4 books I would have been out. I also tried to get into the House of Night series, but it felt too much like a high school soap opera, and I hated high school when I was in it. This series is just right for me. This book was a little slower than the others, but, you know, even Sookie needs a break once and a while. Poor thing.

Tell Me Your Name by Arthur Zannoni- My spiritual director let me borrow this book. It was after a discussion about how difficult it was for me to separate myself from the thinking of God as male. I really want to understand God as completely and fully as possible and to do that I need to embrace all images of God, not simply God as male. Specifically I have been trying to understand God in female images. My spiritual director wisely pointed me to this book. This book explores all the metaphors and images used to explain God in the Bible. God is a rock, an eagle, a mother hen, a storm, a father, a mother, a priest, a prophet, etc. This was the gentle introduction I needed to release myself from the masculine culture that dictates our current religious practices. This book helped me maintain my faith in my God when the temptation of throwing the baby out with the bath water was so strong. A small book filled with substantial wisdom and truth!

The Story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf- I read this story for an assignment in my Masters program. The assignment was to design a lesson around a children storybook that address multicultural and diversity issues. Now you may be wondering how this book meets that criteria when stories about ethnic minorities would obviously be a shoo-in. Well, let me illuminate. Stories about ethnic minorities are important, but I was thinking about my students specifically. They don't quite grasp the concept of racism, or prejudice. That is not to say that they don't participate in these social barriers. However, they are not able to explore these concepts in great depth. But they do understand what it is to feel different, to be punished or treated badly for being different. And that is where I saw the connection to Ferdinand. This a classic book about a peace-loving bull who sees the world in his own special way. The world tries to make him be something he is not, only to realize that he is happiest when he is just himself. I want my students to know that it is okay to be who they are. The world may not understand you, but that is okay too. You are not alone, and you are just wonderful! Such a simple book with so much depth. Loved it and I can't wait to share it with my kids.

A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket- I read the first three books (Bad Beginnings, The Reptile Room, and The Wide Window) to my students this year so that we could watch the movies based on those books and compare and contrast them. I thought that the books would be a little difficult for my students to follow along with. It seems more appropriate for a 5th grader, and my students usually comprehend at a lower level. However, I decided to give it a go. I read with character voices and frequently paused to clarify confusion, resorting often to acting out or drawing out some of the scenes. It took quite a long time to finish these three books, but you know, my students surprised me with how well they were listening to them. I think this is a testament to how entertaining the stories are. Some warned me that they were very dark. And they are indeed dark stories compared to Charlotte's Web (which we are reading next) but they are no darker than some of the other things my students are exposed to on the weekends at home (so sad). I think many of them found the eerie atmosphere of the story refreshing, and the perseverance of the Baudelaire children inspiring. And so do I.

Dead Reckoning by Charlaine Harris- This is book 11 in the series. In this book we, the readers, are definitely being prepared for a conclusion. And while I have enjoyed my adventures with Sookie, the poor girl needs a break. She has had a rough life ever since being made aware of the world of magical creatures. What we are all dying to know is whether Sookie will ever find a life partner, and if so, who will it be? Will she remain human forever, or will she make the permanent leap into the world of magic herself. A friend told me that there are only a few more books left in the series, according to the contract Harris signed, so the answers to these questions will be revealed soon.

The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan- When I finished reading Lift I let my friend Emilee borrow it. She then let me borrow this book by the same author. This is the book that launched Corrigan's career as a writer. In this true story, Corrigan explores the place between feeling truly grown up and still feeling like a child. It is her struggles with breast cancer that bring her to this middle place where she needs to be strong for her young children and yet yearns to be comforted by her own parents. This is an honest depiction of the forward and backward ebb and flow of life. I think Corrigan is a skillful writer who is able to capture the humor and holiness of life's little moments in a way that only someone with her experiences could.

So, there it is 12 in 12 (if you don't forget to count the 3 books of the Lemony Snicket series). In case any of you are questioning the validity of the 12 because, well, The Story of Ferdinand is a children's book, and A Series of Unfortunate Events was read for work, I would like to show you this:

I read more than half of these books from cover to cover and the other books I read the majority of, not to mention the pages and pages of articles I read that, when compiled together, would have resulted in a thick text itself. So yes, I went easy on my 12 in 12 goal this year, but that doesn't mean I wasn't reading, because I was! In fact, I think reading is the activity I did the most this last year. So...

Huzzah!!! Huzzah!!! I did it! I read 12 in 12, and I think I am up for the challenge again. I mean I have to since it is 2012, right? So who's with me? 12 in 12 in 2012 anyone?

I'd Rather Be...

2011-11-15T19:59:00.000-08:00

Ever play that game "I'd rather be"... you know, the one where you state things you'd rather be doing instead of the thing you are actually doing? Example: You are washing the dishes, you think "I'd rather be weeding than doing the dishes" (note: I HATE washing the dishes!).

Okay, now your turn. You are stuck in traffic on the 5 freeway at rush hour, you think to yourself "I'd rather be..." Now fill in the ... (go ahead, it's fun, you can even write your responses down in the comments below so we can all laugh at them). I'll go first. I am stuck in rush hour traffic and I think to myself, "I'd rather be... washing dishes!" Ha!

Okay here's the next prompt: You just got home from 8 hours at work, and you find yourself sitting in front of at least 2 hours worth of tedious homework. You think to yourself, "I'd rather be..." Again, let me go first. I think to myself, "I'd rather be... baking cookies." And guess what? I did!!!

Up until about three weeks ago, I thought about all the things I could be doing when I was free from that blasted homework, and now I am free!!! And I can bake cookies, and watch TV (and I watch ALLOT of it), clean (which I do more than I thought I'd be doing), and read (for pleasure, this time). It is so nice. Take tonight for example. I am feeling a bit under the weather, so I made a light dinner, and thought to myself, "I really want chocolate chip cookies......well why not?" so I did :)

I'm glad I went back to school. I'm glad I chose the program I did (though it was expensive- Yeesh!). And I am sooooo glad to be done, done, done, so I can make cookies!!! Want one? Help yourself, because "I'd rather be sharing a cookie with you than doing my homework!"

My How Quickly It Flies...

2011-11-10T14:36:00.000-08:00

So four years ago today I married my best friend. And we are even better friends now than we were then, which I didn't think was possible. And, yes, I know how sappy that sounds, but there it is, the truth. What can I say, sometimes the truth is sappy.

So here is the not so sappy part. Up until three days ago I had hoped to give my best friend the best anniversary present EVER! (at least for us at this time in our lives). But then I got my period, and well there went my present. Not pregnant. Again. I knew this was coming, I mean I took a test on Saturday and failed. But, if you've ever spoken honestly with a woman trying to make a mini-you-me combo, you know how completely irrational, and crazy we are. So of course the negative test meant absolutely nothing, because there was a slim chance it could be a false negative, right? I told you, we are irrational. And though I desperately cling to this crazy hope, that Saturday I was sad.

Will this ever happen for us? What is wrong with my body? How the hell do high school girls make this seem so easy and accidental?!?! And as I was about to be consumed by the dark thought that we may never get our dream, my best friend made me laugh. He, of course, had no idea what crazy thoughts I was having in my mind. He was just being himself. And himself makes me laugh, and wonder at humanity, and ponder at how wonderfully and beautifully made we truly are.

That is when I realized that if our future holds only the two us alone, that that is enough, more than enough. I love love love my husband. These last four years have been better than all the 25 I spent not married to him. I am truly happy with our life, our home, our dogs, our life style. And he is wrapped up in every single element. I am blessed, because I met someone who intrigues me and who for some odd reason finds me interesting too. From each other we learn and grow. With each other we overcome struggles and trials. He makes me a better person (again with the sappy) and I truly wish everyone could spend time with him because he has a way of rubbing off on folks. This world would be a way better place if people were a little more like him.

So what did I end up giving him as a gift anyway? Nothing. Not a thing. We're broke. Broke and happy. And blessed.

Before I Leave

2011-07-23T15:07:00.001-07:00

Of course everything is beginning to bear fruit, just as I am preparing to leave the country. My good friend Megan is going to take care of them for me while I am gone.

Look at how big these beauties are!

I hope there is something for me to enjoy when we get back. But if not, I am thrilled that we made it this far! So so so happy!

A Song From My Husband

2011-07-23T14:51:00.000-07:00

My husband is a wonderful musician. Sometimes I take for granted how lucky I am to have such a gift living with me. I admit I have closed the door to drown out the music coming from his cave. I think in order to really relish those magical moments I need to slow down and just sit, being surrounded by melodic sounds. And I just don’t have time for that now. I never just sit still. It is the greatest tragedy of my life right now.

My husband has written many songs about many things, but I have never been the subject of them. At least not directly. I understand why, and I don’t mind at all.

Recently he surprised me with the most beautiful song. Ever since before we got married I have been eyeing wind chimes. I can never bring myself to buy them because they are so expensive. But there is something so soothing, so calming about them. My soul delights in them and takes flight on the wind with them.

One day I came home to this.

He made it for me. He bought the material from the hardware store, he looked up the best way to hang them to make them the most resonant. And they are lovely. I love love love my wind chime.

I couldn’t have asked for a better song. Thank you my love.

First Harvest

2011-07-23T14:28:00.000-07:00

Here it is! There is one beefsteak tomato, and rest are Amish paste tomatoes. That is yellow squash. I probably should have harvested it earlier, but I didn’t even notice it until today.

And in the pots we have a banana pepper that I got a few weeks ago for a dollar at Lowes,

and eggplant from the Fullerton Arboretum.

I need to keep a close eye on my fruit or someone else will. Isn’t she so cute! She just loves fresh fruit from the garden. Can’t say that I blame her.

Not Dead, but Not Exactly Thriving

2011-07-23T14:18:00.000-07:00

So the tomatoes are still sprawling, but some of the leaves are starting to turn brown and die. Not exactly sure why? But even though there are dead leaves, there is still fruit. I will have to wait to see what happens.

Oh, look! There is a red one. How exciting! Even if the leaves around it are shriveling and falling to the floor.

Which reminds me of the words of my mother-in-law. While showing her my garden, I commented on how I may not be able to count this as a success exactly, but it is better than last year, and who knows, maybe by the time I am 50 I will finally be able to support a garden that is beautiful and bountiful. To this she responded by recounting how her own mother-in-law tried throughout her 80+ years of life to keep a plant alive to no avail. I’m pretty sure that story was meant to encourage me, I think…

In the meantime, her are the Mr. Okra, and Ms. Strawberry, thriving.

I think this might actually be my first okra for harvest. So happy they survived the transplant.

Maybe I Didn’t Expect You to Last

2011-07-23T14:01:00.000-07:00

Not this long. You did look healthy and strong, but so did many others before you.

These are my tomatoes. They are out of control. Which is an entirely different type of problem than any I have ever faced with gardening. I am used to caterpillars eating my crops, fungus taking my plants, and death by dehydration (or over-hydration). But now I face crops being suffocated out by the success of my tomatoes. You can’t see it in this picture, but underneath this tomato plant are small okras (planted by seed). Remember I showed you them here? Anyway, it is time for me to move them, or else say a final prayer for them.

So with the help of my wonderful husband, I have made a new home for my Mr. Okra, Ms. Strawberry, and Mr. Bell Pepper. They are quite happy to be out of that old crowed place.

Before I go, I wanted to show you this. I am not sure what it is. I planted cayenne pepper seeds in this pot, but I have no idea if this is cayenne or a weed. I wait in anticipation of a pepper, but if it is a weed, it will the healthiest weed there ever was. Time will tell…

Old Yarn, New Trick

2011-07-23T13:51:00.000-07:00

Me and crochet will always be friends, always. But I have to admit that I have known for sometime now that I was going to need to step into the world of knitting. There are just so many more patterns for knitting. So why have I been dragging my feet? Well, two needles seems harder to me than one hook. But it is time. My curiosity has won over my nerves *Ahem-laziness-Ahem*.

Here before you I present my first project.

The beautiful little girl modeling this hat makes my work look way better than it actually is (Thanks baby Ruth, I love you so much!). I have since made 2 others like this and each one is better than the last, but of course I forgot to take pictures of those, so you’ll just have to take my word on that.

A Moment of Transparency

2011-07-17T11:38:00.001-07:00

John Lennon once said, "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans". Those words haunt me now. I recently found out that having a baby will not be easy for me. And my plans of finishing school and starting a family, you know doing it the "right" way, was never something I had the power to plan for in the first place. Isn't that frustrating?!? This whole time I was planning, because that is who I am by nature, and little did I know I was wasting time, energy, and worse yet opportunity. But here I stand on this side of the truth, looking back does me no good. I can't change it.

But looking forward seems to do no good either. I walk into stores, past baby clothes then my eyes uncontrollably well up with tears. This activity, which was harmless before learning the truth, now is painful. I admit that before, when I would walk past the tiniest, cutest clothes there was longing, but it was assuaged by the thought that "soon, soon, my time will come". Now the thought is "will I, can I...if..."

I know that this is not the end of my family opportunities. Adoption was always part of the plan. I think I am just mourning the loss of this part of the plan, the dream. There is something primal about the desire to bear a child. It is irrational and so powerful. And that is why, I think, this is affecting so much.

The news I got from the doctor was unofficial, and I have to admit that I hesitate to take the tests to find out officially. I don't think I could take that now, not just yet. And I am still hanging, clinging to the words and hope of my mother, "Mija, your time will come, God knows". Yes, the Great Mystery knows, and meanwhile I will walk past the tiny dresses and jumpers quickly, narrowly escaping a potentially embarrassing scene, living my life outside of the perfect plan.

The Part Where I Drag My Feet

2011-04-22T15:33:00.000-07:00

So I have finished assembling the my second granny-square baby blanket. This one went faster since I already had an idea of what I was doing. I couldn't find the same exact yarn colors. Don't you hate it when that happens? So the colors are slightly different, but that just makes it one-of-a-kind, right?

A few weeks ago I went to a Stitch and Bitch with my friend Katie. It was fun gathering with women, needles, hooks, and yarn. There is something about working the yarn in, over, through, and out that is soothing to the soul. As the yarn unwinds, so does the mind. It is the weirdest thing- that I can be so relaxed while being so productive. But it's true. There is nothing like whipping out a beanie or a scarf when I am stressed out. And the final product is so satisfying, so rewarding, until...

You flip it over. Ugh! Tails!!!! I hate hiding tails. This topic came up at the Stitch and Bitch. We all shared the same sentiment. Someone thought it would be a great business to have a place to send your nearly-finished work and have some one finish it for you. But I started crocheting to solve my gift-giving-on-a-budget dilemma. So paying someone to finish my work defeats my purpose. But if anyone out there is bored and has an odd love of hiding these rascals

We should join forces. We'd make a perfect team :) Until then, I drag my feet. Maybe tomorrow I'll pull out the needle and get to work, maybe...

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

2011-04-17T18:21:00.000-07:00

How does your garden grow?

With silver bells,

And cockle shells,

And pretty maids all in a row

The "pretty maids" are Okra we planted from seed. It is so exciting to see them pushing up through the dirt.

We lost one of the Julia Child tomatoes, but the other tomatoes have started to perk up, which is encouraging.

It is starting to get warmer, and we'll have to see how the plants hold up in the SoCal heat, coupled with my unintentional neglect. But today, they are lovely. Yes, today was a good day.

The Plants

2011-04-07T08:17:00.000-07:00

So after we got the soil ready, Mr. J built some raised beds for me and we filled them with compost and topsoil. And it looked like this:

We went to the Fullerton Arboretum and bought some tomatoes, then to Lowe's for the rest (strawberries, squash, swiss chard, onion, okra, and peppers). I tried to give myself a better chance by buying most of the rest as healthy plants. We'll see if it works.

NOTE: It is integral to make sure you have a trusty wagon to help in the planting process. I'm pretty sure all the experts say this...somewhere....probably.

So then we planted the plants and seeds in the raised beds and viola!

It looks promising here doesn't it? Sadly it didn't staying looking like this. Some stuff is holding up alright. Some stuff ahem, cough, cough*Amish Paste tomatoes, squash, and Julia Child tomatoes* are not. I'll keep you updated.

I remember hearing once that the prerequisite to having a pet is to have a plant and make sure you don't kill it. Then you move on to a dog or cat and if you don't kill that you can have a kid. Let's just say, I may be destined to aunt-hood for the rest of my life. Things might just be better that way. At least I can't seriously damage anyone...I hope. I promise not to over-water my nieces and nephew, well I might over-water them with loooove *wink*.

I wanted to show you the detail of our raised beds. The tutorial we watched suggested laying down wood chips between the beds, but we didn't have any. We did have some bricks that the previous owners left behind, and we did have rocks (that I had sifted out in the previous post). And we did this with them

And this

If nothing else, at least I made it look pretty, so maybe these plants will want to stick around and bask in this luxurious place. Wouldn't you?

Tilling the Soil/Prepping the Soul

2011-04-04T08:04:00.000-07:00

If I haven't said it before (which I think I have) I really really want to be a gardener. There is something about this art that I am drawn to. It speaks to my elderly ways (I'm really a Grandma trapped in a 29 year old body), my inner hippie (I did mention this before here), my desire to live a simpler life (one that is full of whole and healthy foods), and it is one small way I can help take better care of this beautiful planet.

But wanting to be a gardener does not a gardener make. If only... you see every time I have attempted this in the past, I have found that my thumb is not as green as I had hoped. There! I've admitted it. Still I haven't lost all hope. I think I have figured out some of the things that I have done wrong in the past, and I hope to fix those this time around, and maybe we will see more success.

Also I have a new home, with a new yard (well new to me anyway). I'm actually attempting to plant in the ground instead of in a pot this time. Let's see if that doesn't help me out either. Also, my partner in crime said that I should use a small area and start small to see how it all goes. He pointed out the perfect area for us and I began to get the soil ready.

You see, the area was perfect in location, but not in condition. The previous family that lived here left hundreds and hundreds of small garden rocks piled up and strewn about the yard (making in impossible to mow the lawn, but that is another topic). And of course they were settled and multiplying in my "perfect" gardening spot. Looking something like this:

As you can imagine, this is not a welcoming place for plants to grow, fighting against rocks to get the smallest bit of sun. And so I began the task of clearing these rocks. Man oh man, did this make me realize how "soft" we are in the 21st century. I mean after the first day I was exhausted, achy, and defeated. But it had to be done, and so 4 days later this was the result:

Not bad, eh? While this was grueling work, an unexpected bonus was that I was simultaneously tilling the soil. And there was something spiritual about that act. I became intimately connected with my soil. I realized how the earth is truly living. I couldn't pick up one shovel of dirt without finding a worm, a grub, a rollie-pollie. And I was in awe of this life that thrived unbeknownst to me, and unaided by me. As it turns out, I am not the center of the universe, but I am part of the fabric of life weaving this wonderful planet together.

"All things bright and beautiful

All creatures great and small

All things wise and wonderful

The Lord God made them all..."

Yes indeed!

Tune in next time to see how the garden turned out. Did I in fact help beautify this earth? Or did it end in total disarray and destruction? Only time will tell...

How It Ends

2011-03-13T16:39:00.000-07:00

Final Phase: Finished product.

I have been finished with the baby blanket for quite some time. I really like the "quilt-ish" feel of the granny squares right next to each other. I tried putting a unifying color border around each square and it wasn't working for some reason. I had worried that sewing the pieces together with white yarn would look silly, but I actually liked the contrast of the white yarn.

For those wondering, I pretty much just sewed the granny squares together. I used a large needle with a large eye and did a basic whip stitch.

I was concerned about the size of the blanket. I thought it was too small, but my friend Katie told me that she thought it was just right. She said that she still uses the small blankets made for her daughter, even though she is now almost 3 (Yikes! Time flies faster and faster the older I get). I had never thought about that before, but a smaller blanket would be easier to put on a stroller, or cover a sleeping baby with. I think you learn these practical things when you are a parent. I could prepare as much as I like, but there are things that I will never learn until I am there.

I can tell you that this blanket is the perfect size for a rambunctious, and silly terrier named Euki.

After finishing this, I wanted to make a giant version for my own bed. This always happens. I make things for other people, but rarely for myself, then want to keep it. But alas, I have to let it go. It is better that way. It means I can keep making more without stuffing my house with yarn projects I hardly use. Speaking of which, I better get back to my second "quilt"... no this one is not for me either :)

How It Begins

2011-01-08T18:53:00.000-08:00

Phase 1: Impetus

First, you must realize that you have no gift for the upcoming baby-shower. Then you realize that you also lack money to go and buy said gift. Next, panic! Finally calm yourself down, realizing that you have plenty of yarn, and can do a thing or two with a hook.

Phase 2: Get to it!

I usually let the yarn I have determine the design of anything I make. Color and texture lead me to decide what I should make and how I want it to look. Since I had a bunch of colorful skeins of soft yarn I figured I would use them for a baby blanket. I decided to make a granny square blanket with my many colored yarn, firstly because I've never actually completed a granny square blanket, though I have made plenty-a granny square. And secondly, because I did not have enough skeins of any one particular color so granny squares would be perfect.

I think I used a 5mm hook, and my granny squares were three "rings" each. This is how it begins, a single piece of yarn, a single hook, and a single square. Then...

The squares multiply, divide, change colors and do the watusi. I actually had to head out to buy the blue and red yarns. Once I had all the squares done, I laid them out on my bed and put them in the order I wanted them. The goal was a quilt made of yarn.

At the top there is my bodyguard, Momo, a very important detail I forgot to mention. Never begin an assignment without your trusty body(pillow)guard. I also forgot to mention that it is seminal to the art that you watch something inspiring at the same time, you know, something that is high-culture like Shakespeare, or in this case "Sing-Off" (wasn't it such a great show this season!) as you can see streaming on my computer.

After the pattern is determine, I bunched up the square row by row and tied them to help me put them together more quickly, like so

At this point I will stop a let you catch up. So get to it already. NOTE: Phase 1 is optional, and Phase 2 is where the fun begins.

Next time: Finished product I promise!

(I swear I already finished it, but I have been reluctant to post because I didn't want the recipients of the gift to see. So I started another for my husband's sister, who is also expecting, then DOH! she said she had recently been reading my blog. BLAST!!! I hope she doesn't read this post, because I have been siting on this puppy for a while and can't wait anymore.)

PS: Vanya, if you are reading this, I changed my mind. I am actually crocheting you cloth diapers...Oh and don't read my blog anymore until after the baby is born :)

What's in My Belly

2011-01-07T14:22:00.000-08:00

Usually when I tell people the foods I don't eat (no free-range meats or dairy, no gluten, limited citrus, etc.) they quickly ask me, "So what do you eat?" the smart-ass in me wants to reply, "Food, duh!" but I restrain myself. I know I have to cut through the surface of the question and get to the heart of what is happening. They are facing a cultural difference that is difficult for them to swallow. So much of culture is formed by food. Think about it, what do we do on special days of celebration -birthdays, holidays, weddings, sports gatherings- WE EAT! Yumm!!! And it's a good thing too, because I love eating.

It just so happens that our middle class American culture eats specific things. We identify certain foods with specific cultures-Mexican, Chinese, French, American-but what I have had to learn is that food is food. Recently a co-worker was hospitalized for a serious stomach problem. When released, she was told not to eat fatty foods like meats. She came to me and asked me for advice. "How do you do it? What am I supposed to eat now?" I was able to calm her down and show her that her world of food was not shrinking but expanding. She was now free to see food as a source of energy. Which is what it is!

And when we look at it that way then we can eat all kinds of "weird" and "crazy" things because our purpose is to get energy. This is why I have been able to eat turkey soup for breakfast everyday this week. This is why I can have some nuts, avocado, and applesauce for lunch. My food world has expanded because I don't only eat what is "supposed" to go together, but whatever I have on hand, and whatever I am craving, and I love it!

Above you can see what I keep stocked in my kitchen. We have pastured butter, and cultured butter, raw organic milk, brown rice (just bought this in bulk for the first time), avocados (I LOVE LOVE LOVE avocados!), free range eggs, we eat lots and lots of eggs, grape seed oil (I also use olive oil), and coconut oil, sweet potatoes and yams (these are in season and we love to make fries out of them), raw cheese, apple cider vinegar, almond flour (I have a ton of alternative flours too), and homemade applesauce. So you see we aren't starving, and we actually have very delicious meals. Stop by some time and we would love to share, that is, if you are brave enough.

I Can Read in 2010

2010-12-31T09:43:00.000-08:00

Since it is the last day of 2010 (and I just finished my last book) I figured I would share the books that were part of my life during this year. These are the books that I read for my own pleasure or edification. There were certainly other books that I had to read for school and work, but I don't count those because I was forced to read them-kinda. But the following are books that I chose to read all on my own. Ain't I a good girl! Since we were on a budget this year, I checked-out many of these from the library, and fell in love once again with my childhood playground.

Before we begin, I have to confess that I have a compulsion when it comes to numbers. I really like numbers to "balance". "Balance" is in quotations because I define "balance" in my own special way. There is no rhyme or reason to it, I just know in my gut that that is the right number to balance out a situation. My husband thinks I am ridiculous about this. It is something that he like to tease me about. And I let him, because frankly it is ridiculous. But I can't help it, so there! And for no other reason than there being 12 months in the year, my goal was to read 12 books this year.

Second confession: I read the last two books this week. Not sure if that still counts, but I made the rules so I says yes, of course it counts! So here we go, in the order I read them.

Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini- I wanted to read this book because my husband read and really enjoyed another book by this author, A Thousand Splendid Suns. Also I had heard about a certain controversy that arose with the child actors in Afghanistan as a result of making the film adaptation of this book. I had been wanting to read this book for some time, but the dark and heavy elements of the plot kept me away (child abuse, which is what the controversy was about in Afghanistan). But this year I decided that I needed to read it. I am so glad I did. This book is heart-wrenching and powerful in ways that I am still understanding. It takes you to dark places, questioning the goodness of man, but then leaves you with the desire to hope, to believe in hope. Beautifully executed, it gives an insiders perspective of life in Afghanistan.

Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver- I found this book thanks to Amazon's suggestions list. Based on some of the books that I had read last year, Amazon thought I might enjoy this one. And boy was Amazon right! This book is a nonfictional account of a family that moves from the suburbs to live on a farm. Their motivation was to lessen their global footprint. The challenge was that they could only eat food that was locally grown. This meant that they had to grow allot of their own food, and rely on the food grown by their neighbors. This book is a perfect combination of insightful thoughts, and information. If you are at all interested in reclaiming a more natural, sustainable, and wholesome lifestyle, this book is a great resource. If you want to laugh at yourself for crying about the mating habits of turkeys, this is also the book for you.

How to Rescue the Earth Without Worshiping Nature by Tony Compolo- This was a book that I found while cleaning out my childhood bedroom. It was an overview of different reasons Christians should take their role as stewards of the Earth more seriously, as well as some ideas of how to share this idea with others and how to take part in being more ecologically responsible. What I liked most about this book was the way Compolo depicts the world's opinion of Christianity and conservatism. Ultimately he says that we should be known by our love, our love of all people and all things created by our wonderful Creator. The book was not bad. I enjoyed it, but I can see how those who are moved by strong, theological arguments might not be. I have always been more of a heart/intuition person than a logical/head person, so it suited me just fine.

Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.- This is a book that I saw my husband's sister reading. She seemed to be really moved by it, and so I decided maybe I should read it too. This was a library book that I now own because my dog decided to take a bite out of the cover. Anyway, this book explores the female side/attributes of the soul, spirituality, and the Divine. This was a weighty book to read, and I don't recommend it for anyone who is not seriously interested in the topic because the size alone is daunting. However, I am glad that I read this book. In this book issues of repression and denial of the female in history are brought up, a path to forgiveness, healing, and growth is prepared. Pinkola Estes is a Jungian psychologist and as such the topics of the book are explored through folktales and myths of various cultures. I am glad my dog took a bite out of the cover, because now I own this treasure, and can refer back to it over and over again.

Pilgrim at Tinker Creek by Annie Dillard- This book was not an easy one for me to get through. It is not that I didn't enjoy it, because there were times that I did, and I am grateful for the moments of catharsis I had. But I have never really been able to fully appreciate well described scenery in a book. I have a hard time visualizing it, and I get bored quickly with it. This book is filled with such descriptions. It is sort of like Dillard's memoir, and scientific journal in one. What works in this book is that she was not observing nature to uncover a hidden profound meaning she could share with the world. Instead through her observations of the daily, and ordinary she realizes profound, and awe-inspiring miracles. An insightful and moving book.

Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom- After reading those heavy books, I wanted something short and sweet. This book is short, but it is so much more than sweet. It was a book that I found in my house. I have no idea where or when we got it, but there is a note written on the inside cover from one friend to another, encouraging them in a time of darkness. That is was this book is all about, courage in times of darkness. Morrie was a professor of Albom's who enters back into Albom's life years later by God's grace it would seem. Morrie has a unique wisdom about life and walks through life in love and joy. That is what this book is about, trying to capture the great heart of a dying man so more could learn from his wisdom. This is a beautiful, touching, and powerful book. Don't even try to read it with out a box of tissues. You have been warned.

The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery- A man I respect in my Sunday morning Bible study referred to this book several times. I had never read it, and since, at the time, I was overwhelmed with work, I thought a children's book would be just right. This book is more than a simple children's book. There are so many profound truths discovered by the characters that this books warrants a closer look and study. For my first run through I was moved by the boy's discovery of the gift and sacrifice of love. The artwork is simple, sweet and lovely.

Dead and Gone by Charlaine Harris- This is simply a guilty pleasure. This is part of the Sookie Stackhouse series, which HBO's "True Blood" is based on. This series is a quick read, and purely for mindless entertainment. I was first exposed to the series a couple of years back when a woman in the apartment complex where I lived gave me a copy of the first book in the series. I was bitten *wink* immediately. I bought the rest of the series and rushed through them that same summer. This one was a re-read. I wanted to refresh my memory for the newest book (which came out this year, but I still haven't read). Turns out I really didn't need to re-read it. Really, this is the kind of book that is a one-time read. Still, I did enjoy it for all the same reasons I enjoyed the others: the mystery, and the romance. That's right, I said it, the romance, so what! I know who I am!

Brisingr by Christopher Paolini- This is the third book in the Inheritance Cycle. I listened to the first two books, but this is the first one that I read. This book was great! It is a fantasy novel and as a result I got my dragon and fairy fix, my adventure, and drama, my hero's journey, and my cliffhanger. The story is about a dragon rider who must face the most powerful and evil dragon rider of all time. Humanity's freedom rests on his shoulders. Can't wait for the next to come out!

Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd- This is a book recommended to me by my husband's sister. I actually started reading it two summers ago, but lost it in Hawaii. I like to think that someone who needed it found it. This is a book about Kidd's discovery of the sacred feminine. That is such a big and vague descriptor, "sacred feminine". What the heck does that mean?!? Well it is hard to describe succinctly. It has to do with discovering the divine traits of God reflected in the female form. It has to do with reclaiming a position of rank in the realm of creation. It has to do with healing a soul that has been undervalued for so many generations that we don't even recognize the damages done. This was a life-changing book for me. I am now hungry to learn more, and to see how this knowledge will bring me closer to the One I ache to know.

The Soul of an Indian by Ohiyesa (edited by Kent Neburn)- I'll admit that I read this book this week just to meet my 12 book quota. I chose it because it was short. I think it was a gift my quirky aunty bought me one year for Christmas, which I am sure she found at BigLots or the Swap meet. So you can see why I was surprised that I actually really loved this book! This is an edited version of another book by Ohiyesa, The Soul of the Indian, which I really want to read now. This book described the spiritual and social beliefs of native americans through the eyes of a man who lived in both the native american world, and the world of European Christianity. His experiences give him a special insight and ability to draw parallels, and conclusions between the two worlds. I was surprised by how much my own beliefs were shared by the native americans. My favorite part of the book is the reference to God as "the Great Mystery". So beautiful and so true.

Aristotle's Poetics with and Introductory Essay by Francis Fergusson- I finished this one this morning. It was also chosen for it's brevity. It was a required text for one of my college classes that I never read. It is definitely a scholarly text. I confess that there were moments when I was just reading to read and not for comprehension. But I met my quota right? Basically this is Aristotle's analysis of the different types of poetic art at the time. He then scrutinized the elements of the art and determined the formula for the best possible artwork. As I read this I could not help but be floored at how brilliant Aristotle was, and how his contributions still linger today, centuries later. Amazing!

So that's it! I enjoyed doing this so much that I have made 12 in 12 my goal for 2011. I just hope I have time, seeing as how I start school again in a few days. Ugh! When will I ever be done...Blessing to you all in 2011. And read, because it is good for you!

Real Food???

2010-12-24T11:15:00.000-08:00

Well since I left you all at the edge of your seats wondering what crazy new diet I am on (the real food diet/lifestyle) I figured I better explain. There is much confusion about what I eat. When I say that I don't want to eat animals that were treated cruelly, I do not mean that I am a vegetarian. If you ever asked me what I eat I may have said vegetarian just because it is much easier to say that than to explain what I really am. That, and if I really got into it your eyes may glaze over in less than 30 seconds. But since you are here, trapped (cuz it's not like you could close this page at any time) I will explain. I feel called to eat foods that honor the earth, the animals, other people, and my own body. In short I want to honor all of God's creation. There are too many people groups that have survived from eating other animals, so I am not about to tell them they were wrong to consume another life. Also if memory serves, it was God who killed the first animal to provide clothing for Adam and Eve. While not ideal, consuming animals is one way we have been directed to for our survival. Finally I really and truly believe that life comes from life. Even vegans are indirectly taking life to prolong their own. When a field is cleared to grow soy beans, the wild animals inhabiting that field are sacrificed-gophers, mice, wild birds loose their homes and shelter. So that said, I am not delusional to think that my life continues without costing another's, and I find a position taken by some Native Americans to be more in unison with my own, which honors and thanks the life given to provide for my own.

You are probably thinking that I really haven't explained what I eat. You are right. So let's get to it. I try my best (I am flexible with my diet, trying to accommodate as different circumstances arise) to eat locally, and organic, or at least pesticide free vegetables, fruit, and herbs. I try to eat pastured (as in raised on a pasture, grazing in grass), or free-range (yes there is a difference, and if you really want to know what that is, ask in the comments and I will explain) meats, eggs, and dairy. It can be tricky finding foods that meet these criteria, but I have had the most success at farmer's markets. Also, remember that I am flexible, so I don't starve because I cannot find food that meet all the criteria. Now regarding dairy, I try to stay away from pasteurized (please do not confuse this with pastured-these are two very different things) because it leads to stuffy sinuses, and allergy attacks, or sinus infection (I try to avoid gluten-and sometimes citrus-for this same reason). I do however, eat raw dairy, and have found that it doesn't have as severe an affect on me. WooHoo!!! Cuz I have missed my quesadillas.

I just recently bought some raw milk and it was nice to drink milk like that, it has been a while. I plan on making some gluten-free cookies this weekend and having them with a glass of cold raw milk. Yum!!! Funny how excited I get over simple things like that, since I have had to go without those things for a long time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, indeed!

The REAL part of my diet is the idea that I try to eat as many whole foods as possible. No foods with scary expiration dates/preservatives, chemical dyes, high fructose corn syrup, or instant meals. The idea is that I would live a life style where I make most of my foods, like folks did in the preindustrial era. That is the REAL part of the Real Food diet. It is taking us back to our preindustrial revolution roots. I think the main words behind this movement would be simple, whole, balance, and quality. This is a lifestyle not simply a diet. It is one that seems to encompass all the elements that I value, and it leads me to a life that I am already striving for. A life of dignity, honor, balance, wholeness, truth, and love.

So I can eat pretty much anything, as long as it is organic, whole, pastured, preservative-free, natural, and locally grown. Luckily McDonald's and Taco Bell's menus are just that! *wink*

Not dead...I promise!

2010-12-15T22:45:00.000-08:00

I seriously doubt if anyone out there is still reading this, but if you are I just wanted to tell you that I am still here. Finished one year of teaching and am in the second year now. Started a masters program, dropped out, and am lined up to start another. Have two dogs now. Moved to Anaheim (a stones throw away from Disneyland!). Still working two jobs. Have converted to a Real Foods Diet (more on that to come) and am thrilled with it! It is good for my body and my soul.

Still crafting/creating, though not as often as I would like. Am currently working on completing a granny square baby blanket. Have successfully made gluten-free cookies, banana bread, stuffing, green bean casserole, pancakes, and pies!

Before I sign-off, a funny story courtesy of one of my 1st grade students: We were working on our journal entry and the theme was "Snowflakes are..." and she wrote "Snowflakes are pretty. I wish they were made of chocolate. I like chocolate." I laughed so hard when I read that. Aren't kids great!

Hope to be back soon!

Dog-Sitting

2010-08-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

About a week ago we dog sat for a friend. And this week we are doing the same for a different friend. I am not really sure how we keep getting ourselves in these positions. Probably because we have dogs, love dogs, and now have a yard. I don't really mind, but I am starting to wonder if maybe we should start a business? You see we aren't the type to just put our dogs in the back yard and check up on them for 5 minutes a day. I just don't feel right about doing that. Though I did come from that home...you know, the one that just left a big ole' bucket of water and a big ole' bucket of dog food whenever we went on a trip. Yup, that was my family.

Well I didn't feel right about it then, and I don't feel right about it now. So of course each time we dog-sit it becomes a task that requires far more than I ever anticipate. We provide 5-star service here at Hotel Starriaza (Stier + Arriaza). And, truthfully, my husband ends up doing most of the work because he is physically at home more than I am. So I was thinking, since we are doing so much extra work maybe we should start up a business and charge a small fee. What do you think?

I would love to believe that it would be a huge success, but places like this already exist (dog hotels). Aaaand, people ask us because we are free, and they don't wanna pay. And like that a dream is crushed. You just witnessed it, mark it down in your journals. Well, at least we now have people who owe us a favor should the need and time ever come.

I have to go, Lucky can't find his doggie bed...

A long way yet to go...

2010-08-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

It was hot today, so I wore a spaghetti strapped shirt. Makes sense right? Well let me take you back to a time when I was so scared to wear anything that showcased my femininity. I could hardly get myself to wear anything that might be mildly form-fitting. As you might have guessed this fear stems from abuse I suffered. And thanks be to God that I have worked through many of my fears and wounds. And so here I am a grown woman not afraid to wear a spaghetti strap shirt on a hot summer day until...

I walked into a store to buy some baking soda and when I approached the register there were two men "checking me out", but it wasn't flattering to me at all. This wasn't an innocent "checking out" (which I have noticed before and was not alarmed by). This was different. It felt dirty. I felt vulnerable and suddenly wished I had a sweatshirt on. And I felt like I had done something wrong, like I had provoked these men. Of course I know this is a reaction stemming out of my wounded past, but it was my response nonetheless. What is worse is that the cashier was busy doing something forcing me to linger longer than I wanted at the register, allowing those men to continue to stare, adding to my discomfort.

Friends, I wish I could tell you how I conquered those feelings, left with my head help high, striding with confidence and the power of the strong woman I aim to be. But I didn't. I kept my head down...typical victim. I rushed out of there as quick as I could trying to be strong but knowing I wreaked of anxiety. And I write to you out of anger and pain. Anger at myself for being so weak, for showing how far I have yet to go on my path to healing. Pain because it hurts to be reminded of things better left in the dark and hidden past. But I share this because where there is light darkness cannot abide. I share this because I have found that carrying the pains of these stories is made easier when many carry my story with me.

Shame on men who think it is okay to stare at women as objects! Shame on them who with their eyes send crude messages and evil thoughts. When they reduce me to breast, ass, and c**t, they have no idea they are missing my true beauty, my true light, and my unconquerable spirit. I am more than the sum of my body parts! And praise God for that!

To Keep or Not to Keep That Is the Question

2010-07-27T17:59:00.001-07:00

The other day some friends and I were talking about our hoarding practices. I am by nature a pack-rat. I can find some reason to keep anything I own: "I might wear that again someday...you never know, styles come in and out!" "But what if I need that one day? I know the second I give this away I am gonna need it and have to buy a new one, so I am really saving money buy keeping it!" etc. This got me wondering where this came from. Why am I like this?

I am not sure exactly, but I think it is related to my childhood poverty. In the grand scope of things, we weren't truly poor, especially compared to others, but we did pinch and save, and struggle a bit here and there. I have one vivid memory of wanting to get some Fruit Stripe Zebra Gum (remember that?) and my mom telling me she couldn't afford it. I could see how she hated denying me that small gift, and I never wanted her to feel that way again. Somehow I think this story is part of the formation of my inner pack-rat.

But recently I have been wondering if that is what I want to be. One of my friends said she is a purger, to excess sometimes. We giggled over her tales of realizing she gave too many clothes away and had nothing left to wear. Yet at the same time I found myself drawn to her ways.

I have moved quite a bit over the last 5 years, and each time I do I have the burden of moving all my hoarded items. And I haven't enjoyed it. Each time I get rid of stuff, but never quite enough.

And now I wonder if what I am holding onto is worth holding onto. They say when you die you can't take your treasures with you. Maybe I need to spend less time collecting items, and more time collecting experiences. There is a purifying element to purging, a cleansing.

Perhaps a purging of past memories is what is needed, and the first step is to outwardly purge, that I would invite my soul to an inward release and cleansing...

A bit of everything...

2009-12-05T08:23:00.001-08:00

I got back on Tuesday from a trip to Guatemala. We originally went for a wedding, and also so Jonathan could visit this beautiful country where I spent many of my childhood summers. We did way more than we ever anticipated.

There was:

a wedding

a funeral

a mob riot/lynching we narrowly avoided

an earthquake

fine dining

home cooked meals

bootleg dvd browsing

volcano climbing

exploring ancient religious ruins

priceless stories

time with family

spooking a dog

and so much more.

It was an amazing trip!

Thanks Mom and Dad.

Is it too early?

2009-09-08T07:18:00.000-07:00

The date is September 3, 2009. Too early for Christmas music? I couldn’t help myself. I mean you should be proud of me, I held off all the way through August. But today, facing the long ride in to work, I couldn’t restrain myself. I was not in the mood for morning radio. I just wanted something happy, and soothing, and something that would lift me up and take me to a light place. So in went Vince Guaraldi’s A Charlie Brown Christmas. Isn’t that just the best Christmas album ever! I think it is one of the best albums ever, period. Sooo great. The moment Vince’s fingers dance over the keys I am transported to a place free of stress and full of youthful hope and innocence. I listen to this album all year long. Ask my hubby, who tries to understand my obsession but is perplexed by “Silent Night” in the middle of May. But if you ask me, it is not to early. It’s not possible for it to be too early, not for this album anyway.

Foiled by a Tree

2009-08-12T23:20:00.000-07:00

A bit of advice, if you find yourself headed to Disneyland to catch the new fireworks show "Magical" and you get there early enough to sit up near the castle, don't sit to the left of the castle (when facing the castle) because if you do you might be thinking "Man how did we score such a great spot!" only to realize that the entire fireworks part of the show takes place to the left of the castle, and it so happens there is a big ole' tree in exactly the spot where the firework fun takes place. Said tree, beautiful though it may be, blocks nearly every bit firework fun from your longing eyes as though to say, "Hey what am I chopped liver?"

Even though we missed the fireworks, I really just wanted to see Dumbo fly, he is the newest addition to the fireworks fun. He was adorable!!! He flew out while "Baby Mine" played, gently reminding him that he was safe and protected. I might have gotten teary-eyed at that part. "You can do it Dumbo. You don't need the feather. You never did." Well worth the fireworks fiasco.

T-shirt Skirt

2009-08-10T11:59:00.001-07:00

So much for posting on a regular basis! I swear I have every intention to do so, I have no idea what happens. I mean I have the post ideas in my head and I even take the pictures for the post but somehow I find myself realizing that it has been weeks since I last posted and I want o kick myself in the pants for being such a slacker. Grrrrr!!!!

My apologies. Now to the real topic of this post. Prior to leaving for Hawaii I made a couple of skirts to take with me on the trip. I made the skirts out of old t-shirts donated by my loving husband :) I got the idea from a Thread Banger tutorial. I decided to make a four-panel skirt rather than a three-panel one as seen in the tutorial.

I don't have many sewing tools and trinkets so to make the panel patterns I cut open a paper bag and used that as my pattern paper. I measured, drew and cut out my pattern and used it to cut out the panel pieces from the old t-shirts. The tutorial is pretty good, so if you want to make one just follow along with Vanina.

Here is the front of the two skirts I made.

And the back.

It's wrinkly because I wear it all the time. So comfy!

First clothing project a SUCCESS!!!

Bikini Regret

2009-07-16T13:50:00.000-07:00

So I have to tell you that I have never worn a bikini in my entire life, never. I just get too embarrassed. I mean a bikini is more racy than some of my lingerie. Seriously! So anyway, when I was preparing for my trip to Hawaii I went on a hunt for a bathing suit and the options were limited. I could either wear an old lady's swim suit, you know the ones with the skirt bottoms to "hide" a woman's larger bottom, like those even work, or I could to wear a skanky bikini. Such a hard choice, either prematurely old, or hoochie... I decided to live on the edge and go hoochie. Bad choice.

You see there are parts of my body that have never seen the sun, never! So when I went outside in my bikini those parts of my body protested. In short some parts of my body are now as red as a lobster, like my tummy.

I was only outside for about 30 minutes, (this is the view from the backyard, could you resist it?) and I thought I was in the shade! Sheesh! You would never know that I was Mayan, the way I burn. Or maybe the only thing Mayan about me is my height. Whatever it is, the lesson learned is that I should have gone with the prematurely old look. Oh the price of vanity- a red tender tummy.

Three things: two funny one not

2009-06-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

1. Last Friday I attended my nephew's preschool graduation. Have I ever told you that I am a sucker for graduations? Weddings and graduations. I will cry like a baby at both of these even if I don't know anyone involved. You just need to know that. It is not a strength of mine, and in fact is something I knowingly mock myself about as the tears are rolling! So here I am at a preschool graduation telling my hubby about how stupid it is that we have a graduation for preschool. There should really only be a graduation from high school and college, in my opinion. I think all the graduation from preschool and kindergarten and elementary school and Jr. high is all just a money-making ploy to get people to buy more crap, like cards and decoration and grad robes, etc. Yes, all the preschoolers had bought their own grad robes, that will not fit them in about 3 months?!?! Anyway, there I am complaining about how redonkulous this all is and my eyes are filling with tears as the little ones are singing about friendship, and the ABC's. Sheesh! I tell ya, I am such a sap!

2. At this graduation the teacher had the children come up and asked them for their name and what they wanted to be when they grow up. A few of the children said doctors, animal doctors, singers... you know the typical cute responses. What did my nephew say? Well it went some thing like this:

"And what's you name?"

"Kaison"

"And what do you want to be when you grow up?

"Ninja!"

I laughed so hard. So did everyone else. It was an honest and sincere answer, and I am sure Kaison had no idea why everyone was laughing, because he really believes right now in his heart that he will one day be a ninja, master of martial arts and powerful fighter! Kids are fantastic, their world so simple, and full of infinite potential and imagination! Ninja!!! Duh! Why didn't I study that?!?!? That job rocks!!! And I hear the benefits aren't bad either :)

3. In response to this my hubby said, "I hope someone caught that on tape, so that one day if he is failing a class in high school we can show him this tape and tell him 'Kaison, Ninjas do no fail history, bring up those grades.'" But the sad truth is that this idea of Ninja will transform and shift until it finds a realistic counterpart, which in my neighborhood means gang member/cholo. No longer something noble, and worthy of respect. Not something you achieve through hard work and training, but something that rules by fear, that forces "respect"through violence, that perverts honor. Isn't that what Satan does, he takes things we dream of and perverts them, and defiles them so that we don't even recognize the innocence anymore. Why can't Kaison be a Ninja? God made a shepherd a king, a murderer the leader of the exodus, a virgin the mother of God... He can help Kai do the impossible, and I will pray that this dream not be perverted by the one who seeks to destroy. Go Ninja! Go Ninja! Go! (Turtle power anyone?)

Confession: Nanalan'

2009-06-02T19:33:00.000-07:00

Well it has been one week and a few days since I finished my last final. I should be looking for work, but alas, I can't seem to find the motivation. It's not like I am just sleeping all day long. In fact, I can't seem to sleep. A bit of insomnia I guess. Jonathan thinks that it is due to me not going to bed early enough, but I think it is that I am not completely burned out from an exhausting (both physically and mentally) day at school. But I have been busy making stuff (necklaces, actually, I will try to post photos of them soon), and cleaning, and balancing my finances (it had been a while since I'd done that- never fun to wait that long to figure out how poor you really are). And while I've been bustling about, I have been reunited with an old love of mine. Here comes the confession, are you ready for it... I LOVE children's programming on PBS, well just in general. I love love LOVE children's television.

I think this passion started late for me. I don't remember watching much TV when I was a kid, and I really didn't like Mr. Roger's Neighborhood (booooring- BUT I love it now!), or Sesame Street. I did watch those, at least enough to recall the pinball numbers reference in The Family Guy from Sesame Street. And I did watch enough Reading Rainbow to know the theme song by heart. "Butterfly in the sky, I can fly twice as high..." You know you love that song. But it wasn't until I was too old for those shows that I really started eating them up. I could not get enough Fraggle Rock! "Dance your cares away, clap clap, Worries for another day, Let the music play, clap clap, Down at Fraggle Rock!"

But it seems that as I get older, I like the show for the even younger audiences, like between the ages of 2-5. I loved Teletubbies. There I've admitted it! I know all the teletubbies' names. And I love It's a Big Big World, In Between the Lions, Clifford, etc. I think this love began during the summers, when I had loads of free time, and it wasn't a safe neighborhood to just go around running and playing, so I was stuck inside. I remember waking up and watching Under the Umbrella Tree on the Disney chanel followed by Dumbo's Circus, and Adventures in Wonderland. As I got older, I continued to watch the children's programming before I left for school in the morning. I remember in high school I hated watching the news, so I watched just long enough to get the weather forecast then promptly switch over to PBS and watched Zaboomafoo, everyday. I can't explain it, I just love this stuff. And now with some free time on my hands, I have rekindled this passion.

This week I was introduced to the world of Nanalan', starring Mona and Nana and Russell the dog. Meet Mona:

This show is fabulous!!! I can't explain to you how much I love it. It is a cross between Homestar Runner and Mrs. Doubtfire. It is about this almost-3-year-old girl and her adventures everyday at her Nana's house. At the end of the episode her mother comes to pick her up from work. Mona speaks in grunts and partial phrases. She express surprise and awe at the simplest things, and makes mistakes (like being too aggressive out of sheer excitement when she gets to play with Nana's pet bird). The entire show is a bright and colorful puppeteer's heaven. I am realizing that I really love shows with puppets!

I think I love this show so much because it reminds me of my youth. Mom had to work. I understand, and I am so grateful for the sacrifice she made, going back to work when I was just six weeks old. And more importantly, I am so proud of her! Of her dedication to her work, for achieving so much and being so damn good at her job. For putting in those rough hours and coming home to go to work yet again making us kids a meal and dealing with disciplining. I am so so proud of her, for doing it all, and doing it with grace. She is my hero! And, you know what, I was not tarnished, or ruined, or neglected because of her time away from me. Maybe that is why I love Nanalan' so much. It more closely reflects the lives of modern children.

I have noticed this trend as more and more shows have a single parent. It isn't something explicitly explained or mentioned, it just simply is. It is a natural part of the world, both in our "real" world and the TV world. And while this world is not ideal, the beauty of these shows is that the world is still special and exciting and fun! It is still good. It is simple, and safe, and still a world I want to live in. These shows promise adventure, and remind me that the world is magical to an open and innocent mind. I am addicted. There I've confessed, and it feels good!

I'm Back!

2009-05-29T11:43:00.001-07:00

A picture of me and my family (yes, Sara, you are family) at my credential "graduation".

Well, friends, I am back! After a long 11 months I am back. And it is good to be back. Should I bore you with the minute details of these last months? I can, you know…hello? Okay, I am not that cruel. Here it is, the condensed soup version: I completed my course work for the teaching specialist program at Cal State University, Fullerton. It was harder than I ever thought it would be, but it was also a wonderful experience. I went through the accelerated program so I could be done in two semesters. To complete this program you join a cohort and you are stuck in that cohort for the remainder of the program. Us Day-Blockers, as we called ourselves, saw each other more than we saw our own families. In fact, we spent so much time together we were our own little dysfunctional family; we loved each other and we hated each other. In fact two of our professors made that exact comment about our Day-Block; they could tell who got on whose nerves, who was the loud-mouth, who was the peacemaker, etc. But we made it through! Phew! Now all I have left is to pass a test, so keep those fingers crossed, the test is on June 13^th.

And that pretty much covers my life in the recent past. It has been school, school, school, work, school, sleep, school, cry, school, try to exercise, school… and now I am totally in relax mode. I need to get off my lazy rear and start looking for work. Which, by the way, is the first question anyone asks you when you graduate: Do you have a job yet? Are you looking for a job now? … Ugh! Let me breathe for a second, or at least ask a more thoughtful question, like “What was the hardest part of the program?” “What was the best?” “Tell me about your student teaching experience.” It seems like people are in such a rush to put me in a box for the future. I know that they are just being nice and asking the socially expected question, but seriously people, I barely finished a life-changing program, stop asking me about tomorrow as though what I just endured was not interesting. It was, I promise you, it really was. I have some great stories to share, some great info to pass on. So ask me about it now that I am still inspired before the cynicism sets it.

But to answer the question, am I looking for work? No, not right now. I’m taking a class this summer and I’m really excited about it. But, in short, this class has nothing to do with teaching. It is a class for me, for my creativity, for my need to learn about art. I don’t know what I expect to gain from this class, except maybe better perspective on my life and what path I would like to take. I know, I know, I just got my teaching credential, why on earth am I confused about what path I am taking next??? But if I understood myself well enough to make the obvious decision I would not be a 27 year old barely getting her teaching credential, I would be a 27 year old with a Masters degree on her way to getting her doctorate. I am learning to let the inner voice within have authority in my life, to trust that God is my provider, and to believe that my life here is temporal, and if I am willing, there is a grand adventure He is calling me to. I want to be willing, and I am working on that!

And friends did I mention that it is great to be back!

Back in the saddle again!

2008-07-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

I am back at school. I signed up to take 2 summer school courses. I finished my first about four weeks ago, and I am almost done with the second. I was a bit rusty at it, and it took me about five weeks to get used to the pace of things. It is hard but good.

For the first time in my life I am in classes where the instructors are telling us that we can make a difference, we can change the world one student at a time. How empowering is that! I am so blessed to be in these classes. It is good that I decided to take these summer school courses now, because once the semester starts it won't be as idealistic, but more nose to the grindstone. It is a two semester program and I will be taking 19 units each semester. Yikes! So pray for me whenever you think of me. I will need the support and strength. I am a little nervous, but I am motivated by the students.

Which brings me to another point. Recently people have been saying, "Wow you really have a calling to work with this population" (I am studying to be a special education teacher) I don't really know what to do with comments like that. I am frankly offended by those words. The population I am choosing to work with are people, and aren't we all called to minister to people? For this reason I find this comment confusing. In the past, society has segregated this population and banished them, and the stigma of those actions still remains. They really aren't that strange or difficult. They are just different. Trust me I have interacted with all sorts of people, and I would gladly choose to hang out with some people with disabilities over some people without disabilities.

So is this a calling? I don't know. I don't think it is any more of a calling than the same urges I feel to give money to the homeless, shelter orphans, protect the abused, heal the sick, and feed the hungry. It is a calling to love those who bear the image of God. A calling to love those He loved so dearly He willingly died for. Yes I am seeking out a degree that will equip me to work in a particular community, but I see opportunities abounding around me to love. My neighbors, my peers, my coworkers. Is this not also a calling? And I am also ready and aware that at any moment God may lead me to Africa, England, or Latin America to love on people in His name. I look forward to it! So please understand the subtle insult aimed at those with disabilities that is embedded in those words "Wow you really have a calling to work with this population". They demand no more of me and you than any other group, and they are just as precious and valued in God's eyes.

I have not been called to work with the defiled and disgusting. I have been called to love a people who are worthy to be loved and to break down the walls of banishment and segregation. Weren't we all called to this? I have been called to fight for justice and truth! And I would gladly do the same for you if ever you need it.

Good News and Bad News...

2008-07-22T08:21:00.000-07:00

Well let's start with the bad new, more like sad news...

So my container garden that I have been proudly updating you on, well something has gone terribly wrong. Let me remind you of the family I was growing. We had Ms. Strawberry, Ms. Tomato, Mr. Pepper, Mr. Cucumber, Ms. Okra, the twin Misses Basils, and Mr. Cilantro (technically I also tried to raise a Mr. Chives, but that was a failure I don't like to think about). Okay now you remember them all, right? So here is the bad news... I can't even bear to tell you! Just scroll down.

This was baby Basil. Now there is only one of the twins left. There used to be full green leaves on here! Can you tell what happened? Let me give you a hint.

Caterpillars!!!! It happened over night. One day I was commenting on how big the basil leaves were getting and how I would probably buy some pizza dough to make a yummy basil and tomato pizza (dairy-free of course! I swear they taste GOOD!) then the next morning I come out to water the kiddies and... the horror! Meanwhile the caterpillar just looked up at me and smiled! Can you believe that?!?!? He had the audacity to thank me for the yummy dinner! Now I know why farmers use pesticides. All that time and energy and resources, and it's robbed from you just like that.

I managed to save one of the basils, and she is doing fine now, but I have resorted to a caterpillar pesticide. I'm not proud to admit that, and I did feel guilty as I sprayed my leaves with the poison. It was a tough decision to make. The little buggers decimated my cilantro, so Ms. Basil is all I have left of my herbs.

I wish that was all, but I have saved the worst of my bad news for last. Are you seated? Good. Mr. Cucumber is terminally ill. Oh it kills me to say it! He was flourishing, I mean really growing super fast! And big! And green! And lush! I was the proudest of Mr. Cucumber. Then slowly I noticed spots, and the leaves and stems began to die off. Through the process of elimination (I made many attempts to treat potential diseases) I have finally concluded that Mr. Cucumber has bacterial wilt. There is no treatment for it, he's a goner. It is depressing to walk outside and look at him. And three cucumbers were starting to grow too! But they also will be taken by the disease. I think I will remove him this weekend...So sad.

But not everything was lost. The strawberry, tomato and peppers are still doing good. And the salvaged basil is doing better than ever.

Jonathan and I have been eyeing the tomatoes and eating them as soon as they become ripe. They are tiny but tasty!

What a learning experience! If not for the tomatoes, and Jonathan's constant encouragement, I would have given up. I still feel a bit like a failure. But I haven't thrown the towel in yet, and I have learned some tricks along the way. So maybe next year it will be better... one can only hope.

Still Alive...and growing!

2008-05-27T10:39:00.000-07:00

Remember about a month ago when I posted about my herb and vegtable garden??? Well this is an update for you all. I am sad to say that the chives did not survive. Well they never actually started. I couldn't get those babies to sprout! However everything else is just exploding!

This is my cilantro. Can you believe it?!?! Compare to here for the full effect! I think I should start eating them now. But I am not sure. How long do you let these guys grow??? Anyone know? I am clueless. Maybe I should pick a few to see if they are ready...

Oh and look at my tomoato plant! It is sooooo tall! I can't believe it! Tomato is going through puberty right now. Growing fast and tall, towering over his siblings, and his voice is starting to change too. Pretty soon he'll be headed off to college. Again compare to the last garden post. The tomato plant is the pot to the right.

So here they are. My kiddies. The cucumber plant is a bit bossy! That was surprising. It is shoving it's way around everyone. I might have to trim it a bit back, because it is now hogging all the sunlight the strawberries get. Or maybe I will just have to reposition all the plants. Ocra is short and small, but I wonder if that isn't because cucumber has overtaked the pot (they share a pot). Tomato is tall and getting taller, it out grew the tomato cage. Strawberries are short but stubborn. The basil is slow to grow and it doesn't help that there is some kind of insect that keeps taking a bite out of my 2 basil leaves >:( Now I understand pesticided! Grrr! And cilantro has an unruly mane, but I think it is ready for a trim.

There you have it. Maybe next time there will be fruit and veggies!!! I can't wait!

Flowers and 6 more to go!

2008-05-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

May 10th marked our sith month anniversary. Jonathan said that this is the only mid year anniversary we get to celebrate :oP And to celebrate he gave me money to buy myself some flowers. Isn't he sweet? Giving me another chore to do. Just kidding. It was WONDERFUL!!!

I went to the Flower District of Orange County in Santa Ana. It really doesn't compare to the LA Flower District, but it was a great way to spend my morning. I actually had planned to go to pick up flowers for all the mothers in my family. We were having a BBQ to celebrate Mother's Day. I chose the pretty little thing below for all the moms.

But we had so many left over I got to keep some. I picked out the ranculous above and also some white tulips for myself. They were so beautiful, and they made my home look beautiful, and they made my heart smile. Six months went by in the blink of an eye. I can't believe we are half way through our first year?!?! The older I get the quicker time seems to pass. Flowers remind me to slow down, smell the...roses (or tulips). So here they are for you, to encourage you to pause and take a moment to breathe and relax, and enjoy those beautiful things in life that too often go unnoticed.

What the heck??

2008-05-16T14:29:00.000-07:00

Okay, I confess that this post will be a rant. But I need to get stuff off of my chest too, and you are the sorry fool who started to read. Bwa ha ha...

What I want to talk about is my Christian identity. You see, I think people assume that because I am a Christian I am a conservative (you know what they say about ASSuming). It is like the two words are synonymous, and that is unfortunate. Recently I have been receiving emails that from people who assume just this.

Here is an example. The other day I was at work and a co-worker sent me an email that, in short, was demanding the immediate deportation of illegal immigrants as they are terrorist threats to our country. What ever your view of the topic is, I respect your right to that view. I respect and love the fact that my friend has the right to believe that, just as I have the right to disagree. This is a beautiful thing. But reading that email, and seeing that my friend specifically sent it to me made me wonder, "Does she even know me?" I mean, duh, my last name is one the the most elegant Spanish names EVER! And when have I ever brought up a topic like that?

Another example happened today. Today I received an email asking me to join a petition for an amendment that would reverse the ruling that allows same sex marriages in California. I promptly deleted the email, thinking again, "Hello??? Do you even know me?" I think this amendment idea is stupid! First of all, the state of California recognizes a civil union, which grants the same rights to gay couples, but denies them the title of marriage. We will let people freely choose who they are and how to live, but we will not allow them to call it marriage??? Secondly, I think denying gay people the right to marriage is saying that we think they are lesser people and don't deserve the same privileges and rights as heterosexuals. I just can't agree to that. The spirit of it feels wrong. I believe if two willing and consenting individuals are in love and want to commit themselves to each other in marriage, who am I to deny them that. It is their life, it is their choice. Again, I respect anyone else's rights to disagree with me.

But why oh why do I keep getting these kinds of emails from my friends? Is it my fault? Do I not bring these topics up enough? Perhaps. I don't like to bring these topics up in group/hang out settings. They are kinda heavy topics. I am not afraid to share my mind though, and if you are ever trapped in a carpool with me and there is a lull in the conversation I just might bring it up (just ask Josh- poor guy has had to suffer through many of my soapbox sermons). But generally I just want to have a good time, and these are loaded topics.

I think that because I am a Christian people think that means I am a conservative Republican. The thing is, most people don't fit nicely into any one box or category. I think people are lazy, myself included, and we don't take the time to truly get to know each other. And I think that people are so self-focused that we forget not everyone believes what we believe. Thank God for that! These differences are what force us to grow and progress as a species/society!

Meanwhile, I think I will just let these emails slide. Email is such a horrible medium for these topics anyway. And I respect the fact that my friends have different opinions than me. I celebrate it! Maybe one day I will get to share my own thoughts...or maybe I just did.

End Rant.

First Legitimate Yarn Project

2008-04-23T11:25:00.000-07:00

This is what my boss called my beanie. Well actually it is Jonathan's beanie. I made it for him. He asked me for a black beanie. It had been a while since I worked on a beanie so I wanted to practise. I had some extra brown yarn, so I started working a simple sc spiral beanie. I really liked the way it turned out. And so did Jonathan, so he asked if he could keep it. Now he has commissioned me for a red one and a black one. We haven't discussed payment yet, but a week or two of washing dishes may suffice.

I brought the beanie to work, and my boss was impressed. He is never impressed. This is really funny, because this has to be one of the most simple patterns I have worked on. But this beanie, well this beanie looks "legit" like it could be sold in a store, according to to my boss. In fact, he said he never wears beanies, he doesn't even own one, but if Jonathan didn't want it, he would like to have it.

I think the color is causing all the fuss. The pattern is nice, but nothing spectacular. Still it does look nice in this color.

Though I did make a beanie for my sister-in-law's husband two Christmases ago, and apparently he wears it all the time. It was the same pattern, perhaps slightly looser, but still a sc spiral.

Heck, if people like the beanies, then I am happy! I love making things with yarn, and it is so rewarding when people enjoy my crafts!

It all started with an urge for herbs...

2008-04-23T09:11:00.000-07:00

My inner hippie is starting to get more and more bold. There was a time when I tried desperately to repress her. "You are not welcome here!" I would tell her. "I am a cynical sort of gal, and there is absolutely no room for you in my life! So get! Move along!" But you know the rule, the minute you deny something, that is the exact moment it becomes true. God has a way of proving us wrong. I love that saying "we make plans, and god laughs". This is certainly the case in my life.

About three weeks ago I planted my very first herb garden. I bought a small starter kit at Home Depot, which consisted of four small planters in a wooden box. The kit said that I would start to see the seedlings in seven to nine days. So I waited, and when day ten came and there was no sign of seedlings, I knew I had done something wrong. I failed! If I can't even grow a plant how can I ever have a pet or even a child?!?! What kind of a mother would I be??? I know I am a bit dramatic. And my husband, that wonderful man, put his arm around my shoulders and reminded me that it had been pretty cold that week, so maybe the herbs would just need a little more time. Thank god he was right! By day fourteen my cilantro had peeped his head above the dark dirt.

Everyday since has been a tiny adventure as I come home and see the subtle changes, noting the new height, or the new leaves and stalks. These are changes that only a mother would notice. Yesterday I saw mini-cilantro palms hiding amongst the rest of the stalks. My heart did a little diddy!

Encouraged by Mr. Basil, Mr. Chives and Mr. Cilantro, Jonathan and I went out to Home Depot yet again, this time in search of vegetables to adopt. I had some very helpful tips from a friend at work. He really encouraged me to consider container gardening, since I have limited space at my apartment complex. And thanks to him, I came home with a tomato plant, a pepper, an okra, a cucumber, and a strawberry plant. Below is a picture of all my kiddies. I am happy to report that they seem to be doing well and I haven't killed any of them...yet.

This is good for me. It is work, but it is rewarding. It requires diligence, but there is a bigger goal. It reminds me of my place on earth, my connection and dependence on this beautiful planet. It is humbling, and reaffirming. It reveals God's maternal traits as the nurturing voice that bears fruit. And dagnabit, it makes my inner hippie happy as she finally gets her place in the sun. Hopefully in a few months I will be able to have you all over for some salad featuring some of my fresh tomatoes, and I will formally introduce you to Ms. Hippie :)

The Right to Flee, the Call to Stay

2008-04-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking seriously about something. I read somewhere about the idea that the American dream, you know, the house, the picket fence, the family, the yard and all, that this suburban destination does not coincide with building the kingdom of God here on earth. This is a very sensitive subject. And I would imagine that many people will be offended even outraged by such a thought. I am not writing to say that I have figured it all out, but rather that I have been thinking about this, weighing its validity and wondering what God would have me do.

I believe that I have been complacent in my faith. If I truly believe that I have the truth, and heaven and hell weighs in the balance, then why am I so reticent? What do I have to fear?

I have also been thinking about the hierarchy of needs. This theory speculates that people are not capable of higher thinking (what we might call philosophical thought, philanthropic desires, and morality etc.) until their most basic needs are met, namely food, shelter, safety, a sense of belonging, and community. Aside from a miracle, and I do believe in miracles, I think there is too much hurt in my own neighborhood for people to understand and receive the truth. It is simply easier to live in the lie, to rely on survival skills rather than to face the unknown, that being a new life in Christ.

So we find ourselves in these communities with broken and hurting people who need the truth but who need healing first so they can receive that truth. But sometimes it is hard to see that side of them when they are flipping us off, or cursing at their children, when the children are more worried about seeming "cool" rather than being innocent. And how do we love them when there is so much distrust and so many walls up? How do we openly reach out when the truth is we are afraid of them? How do you make yourself vulnerable and willing to be moved by compassion without seeming weak? How did you do it Jesus? How on earth did you do it?

I am not sure if it right to leave a community for a "safer" one in the suburbs, all for the sake of providing the safest place for your family. Aren't these broken and hurting our family also? Aren't we called to love the broken and hurting? How can we do so if it takes us an hour by car to get to them? I am not suggesting that all Christians should move into downtown urban communities, nor am I denying the fact that all people in all walks of life need Christ, even the home makers in suburbia. I am just wondering where the balance is. Did God mean for us to flee? I use that word because that is what appears to be happening.

When the same thing happens in another context, there is a certain repugnance and disgust, a sense of prejudice and injustice that prevails. When "white flight" occurs I cannot help but feel outraged and frustrated by the oppressive, destructive and unspoken rules of this world. Are we guilty of the same? Have we committed "Christian flight"? Are we fleeing the the broken and lost, in search of a safer place to call home? But aren't these the ones Jesus lived with, ate with, laughed with? He was not concerned with the things of this world. He trusted in the Father for His safety, for the outpouring of love, for anointed meetings, and for all his provisions. What faith! LORD, may I too trust, truly trust in you, and may I not be swayed or tempted away from the people you love, and who need you, who desperately need you. May I not flee from those, who, though rough around the edges, were still created in your image.

Shipoopi!

2008-03-27T09:59:00.001-07:00

The name of this park is Shabarum Park, but for some reason whenever I say the name I want to sing Shapoopi, from The Music Man. That was a really fun musical, both to watch and participate in, ( I was in the crew when my high school did that show). "Shapoopi shapoopi shapoopi, the girl is hard to get..." So silly, and innocent, I think that is why I love musicals. They are an escape, into a world of life and color and expression. Fun fun fun! Well not all musicals are as lighthearted and mindless, but the early ones at least were.

Aaaaaanyway, I wanted to tell you all about this beautiful secret, Shabarum. This summer a friend and I wanted to go for a hike. But where was there a trail in this asphalt jungle? I wasn't familiar with any good hiking trails, and walking the mall was NOT an option, so I called up my friend Rod, the local hiking trails connoisseur. He told me about Shabarum Park, a place he had recently discovered and was thrilled with.

Shabarum is located just across the street from the Puente Hills Mall. No wonder I never noticed this unlikely trail. Two seemingly opposite places sitting just across the street from the other. Yet there it was. And it was lovely, but only after you put a good 40 minutes into the hike. At that point the houses and businesses begin looking small enough to not be distracting from the view around you. In the distance (of the above picture) you can see rooftops, and this is also the point where the hike begins to get exciting!

Still no matter how high we got, and how small the city became, we could not completely forget it. These two towers were eerie reminders of the marks we have left on this world. They stood there as sentinels, alone and out of their element, but surveying the land nonetheless. I envied them, and the beautiful sunsets and sunrises they must see everyday.

These ghostly reeds almost made me believe we were in a different world. Like some place out of the fantasy books I read. I never knew places like this were so close. There aren't many, and you can imagine how many people we bumped into on the trail, still it was refreshing. There is something truly cathartic about exploring nature, and exerting your energy in the process. And as you sweat, the beads forming around your brow, your breaths becoming deeper and more calculated, your strides feeling more taxing than before, your mind and body at bay to the rigorous climb, your spirit is suddenly freed. Free to run around and play, to hide in the ghostly reeds, to explore the blue skies, and just rejoice in the realization that there is something greater at work here, and thank God for that.

Meatless Meals: Update

2008-03-14T12:21:00.000-07:00

I have been having fun experimenting with my dinners recently. I already had a vegan cook book, Student’s Go Vegan, which I acquired when I decided to go dairy-free almost a year ago. But I never fully explored the recipes, until now.

Displayed for your drooling pleasure, is a BBQ tempeh sandwich topped with fried red peppers and onions, and fresh parsley, a side of sautéed spinach, and a spring mix salad with strawberries, nuts, and carrots, topped with a soy based dressing from Trader Joe's. No dairy or meat were harmed in the making of this meal. :oP

Tempeh, and tofu are great sources of protein for vegetarians. You are probably familiar with tofu, and truth be told it isn’t my favorite, but I am learning new ways to cook it that aren’t bad (tofu scrambled eggs are quite yummy). But you may not have heard of tempeh. It is a grainy soy based patty. It takes on the flavoring of any seasoning or sauce. I used BBQ sauce to season the tempeh here, and it truly made a delicious BBQ sandwich. And you know I felt great about myself after that meal! I think I can do this. I like the challenge anyway.

Wedding Details

2008-03-13T14:36:00.001-07:00

Four months, and three days ago I married a charming and handsome man. Way out of my league! But I ain't gonna let him in on that. *wink* Anyway, he was kind enough to not only let me runaway with the wedding details, but he actually helped make most of them happen.

My wedding was a poster child for the D.I.Y. community. Well maybe that is an exaggeration. I didn't make my own dress, nor the dresses of my bridesmaids, but I made A LOT of things! There were two main reason for this: 1. We were on a budget and this was one way to cut costs, 2. I am pretty picky and finding things I liked became a nightmare. So after making the decision to go crafty for the big day, I went out to the local bookstore bought the current issue of Martha Stewart Weddings, (actually my friend Maria got it for me as an engagement present- Thanks Maria!) and pretty much slept with that baby under my pillow for the next nine months!

The boutonnieres at the top were inspired by the MSW mag. I used fabrics and foliage that supported my wedding theme (who knew there was such a thing, but apparently there is). The colors were orange, chocolate and turquoisey-blue-ish. As you can imagine my wedding was full of bright colors, and fall themed items, think fall on a farm and you kind of have an idea of what the big day looked like. With the help of my hubby, my pals, and my family we put together the wedding of my dreams! But can you believe it I forgot to take pictures of it all???

On the day of, and the days leading up to, I completely spaced out on that important detail. I guess I kept telling myself that I would take pictures later, and I lived that way all the way through to the Big Day. And on that day, well most women will agree, you can hardly remember to put your earrings on let alone document the day! That is what photographers are for, after all. And my photographers were amazing! But alas, I don't have a digital copy of their beautiful images, so here I present the few salvaged items I recently found.

These are the tulips we used as our centerpieces. We bought the tulips from the LA Flower District, and arranged them ourselves in glass milk bottles. The bottles were collected from the local grocer over a period of 6 months, and since I don't do dairy, my pals and hubby stepped up to the plate. The flowers were placed atop handmade fabric squares in fabric that also matched the color scheme, and the milk bottles were tied in coordinating ribbon.

These were the bouquets. No your eyes do not deceive you, there are indeed 8 bouquets. Yikes! The one tied in white ribbon was mine, and the other seven were for: 2 of Jonathan's sisters, and 4 of my pals, and one extra for the bouquet toss. We also bought these beauties at the flower district. My friend Paola, and my mom's childhood friend Karina put these bouquet's together. I actually copied Paola's wedding bouquets, which we also made ourselves, though she used deep purple carnations- gorgeous! So Paola was a pro at this, and I give her all the credit for making them turn out so lovely. They are exactly what I wanted!

For those who might be interested, Gerber daisies, and tulips are my favorite types of flowers! And I was so lucky that they came in orange, to match my wedding colors. These are just a few of the long list of things we made. If I can find more pictures I will post them, but that is all for now...Other handmade items included:
wedding veil
pew decorations
invitations
save the date cards
bridesmaid gifts
bride's evening shawl
tent decorations
pie/cake stands

That's all I can think of, but it is plenty! I am so glad I chose to go the D.I.Y. route, because now I feel more adventurous. I have learned that I really enjoy stamping, and scrap booking. I have learned that I can do much more than I thought with needles and thread. And most importantly I have learned that I really truly love doing these things. There is something so satisfying about working with your hands, and seeing your finished work. Just make something you really love, and the fun is therein. Go ahead, give it a try!

Birthday etc.

2008-03-12T15:59:00.000-07:00

I turned 26 in January. I can round up to 30 now! And only I have 2 years left to try out for American Idol. Eeek! I better get my act together! Okay, not really, I don't have any inkling to try out for Americal Idol...well maybe a mild curiosity to see if Simon would tear me up. But that's it really, I promise. Still age is something that has been brought up to my attention recently. It sems the world around me is turning 30, consequently panic is setting in. Many of my friends have already crossed the milestone while some are on their last lap before they reach it. And it is apparently a sign that we are getting old(-er), and it forces us to ask those questions: What am I doing? What have I done with my life? My dreams?

The answers may not be what we imagined for ourselves, but there is still hope. I am so encouraged to see my friends struggle with these issues bravely, and stand up and say, "Life, you ain't seen nothin' yet!" I have friends making incredible decision to start families, friends who have decided to start their own businesses and to throw themselves whole-heartedly into it. Friends who are looking for love, and wondering if they missed their chance, but refuse to let that define them. And friends who are facing the truth, that maybe the dreams they had aren't what they want anymore, and have to fearlessly let those dreams go. You are all role models to me.

And where do I land in all of this? Well, I am headed back to school, while my friends are grappling with these decision, almost as if I were doing things backwards. And yet I too feel the weight of that number 30. As a woman it seems to mean more, it is a ticking clock reminding you to hurry up if you want that family. Because no matter how young I feel, my body will not wait for me. And I hear the words, "We had a miscarriage" "We are pregnant" "We bought a house" but, you see, I just am not ready for those words to come out of my own mouth. Now is not the time. Like in all other areas of my life, I am a slow bloomer, taking my time, discovering myself and my God as I go. And right now it seems I am to make some backward steps and head to school, and papers, and homework, and studying once again. And I feel a bit foolish about it, but my friends have been so supportive and sweet to me, encouraging me that going back to school is an investment in the future. So really they are steps forward, not backward. I know they are right, but I feel kinda left out nonetheless. Oh you damn emotions, will I ever master you!?!

So when I turned 26 I thought I should have been more panicked about it, but I wasn't. Things were definitely different, there was no big party, no balloons, not many presents, but the few I got were very special! One of the best presents ever was from my bestest bud Denise. She sent a package filled with special things that in the past I told her I was interested it, or things she thought I would love. She has spent the last couple of years hunting these things down for me, and this year she had it all ready in time for my brithday. NOTE: Getting a package in the mail is seriously one of the greates gifts ever! You feel so special, excited, just like a little kid!

So what was in the package? Can you tell from the image above? ... Give up? ... In no particular order we have:

Flight of Dragons- an animated film that has permanently affected Denise. Can't wait to be tranformed myself!
Waking Life- a film that Denise really liked, and that I have always wanted to see.
Their Eyes Were Watching God- a book that was spoken of highly in my American Lit class at CSUF. Also a staple in high school lit classes, but I never got to read. I am ready for this one, I have a journal picked out and everything, so I can fully experience the story!
Passing- another book that was highly recommended, about the life of an African American woman and her struggles with segregation. Why am I drawn to these heavy ones? Don't know but I can't wait to read her!
Debut- Bjork's first solo album, I stole this from Denise for a few years then gave it back to her last year, and now she got me my very own copy. She knows me well!
Penguin card- I love this card. The inside reads, "I love you this much!" Awww...go on!

How many did you guess right? Wasn't that just the best present ever?

So I guess 26, isn't so bad, and going back to school isn't so bad. And I just got married, so I am not ready for all the grown up stuff yet. Don't know if I ever will be. I have no idea what I would name my first child, haven't even thought about it. But I do know what I would name my first dog, Euky. Maybe this is a very telling thing about me and my future, maybe not. Meanwhile I got a lot of reading and movie watching to do...and if you need a break from all the grown up stuff, pull up a chair, there is always room in my home for you!

Life in a Fish Bowl: Reviews.

2008-03-03T11:42:00.000-08:00

Last week I had my evaluation. All employees at my work have one. It's a time where your supervisor tells you how you have improved and how you can improve, then lets you know how much of a raise you get, if any. Our performance is rated on a 5 point system, 5 being perfect. Since no one is perfect, no one gets 5 points EVER. So the best we can shoot for is 4. This must be maddening to the perfectionists out there. Last year I was so upset by my score. I had only been there for a few months with pretty much no training, and I accidentally transferred 2 calls to the wrong person and for that I was docked. I earned a pathetic 2.6 points. And this really irritated me, for a long time. This year I am happy to say that I improved, I am now at 3 points. Big whoop!

Everyone assures me that this is a respectable score. You see 4s only are given out very rarely, and no one ever gets a 5, so 3 is practically a perfect score. Now I ask you, does this make any sense? Aren't we just asking our employees to be mediocre? Aren't we telling them that they will never be perfect, and that great is unrealistic, so good is good enough. What it all really comes down to is money. If I am given a high score, then the bank concedes that I am a valuable employee. If that is true then, I deserve to be compensated accordingly, which translates to $$$. So in an effort to save the company some money, the scale has been shifted slightly, 3 being good, 4 being for the exceptional employee, you know, that person who works 12-hour days, never takes a lunch and comes in on weekends. In this way we are trained to be happy with our meager points, and accept the lie that we aren't mediocre, but rather good or even great, though our raises reflect otherwise. Meanwhile the accepted fact is that everyone gets a 3, so it really doesn't matter if you are decent, okay, good or great because each of these is rewarded with a 3.

All this silliness. Corporate America, isn't it grand! And I am such a sheep to it all. I was happy that I improved, "Yeah! I'm a 3. I'm special!" But now that I think about it, the review was pointless, I didn't learn anything, except that I am better at transferring phone calls (well after a few months of self-training and trial and error, I hope I have learned how to do at least that!) and I got a small raise. I am grateful for the raise, I really am. And honestly, I should be. The truth is, they only need me to man the phones, and if not for that, they could do away with my position. I know this, and I was also reminded of it during my review. It makes me laugh, that it was brought up at all, but there you go. "You are a 3, you are great, btw, we don't really need you. Did I mention you are great?"

So all this rambling, has lead me to really consider my career. Are there areas that I excel in? Areas where my talents, skills, and passions all combine resulting in a more efficient and productive employee/career. Can I find a place where I might be more useful? More relevant? I am not sure if that place exists. Perhaps in the scale of things, that kind of job is a 5. No one EVER gets a 5, but I gotta reach for a 4, because a 3 just isn't cuttin' it!

Flexitarian? Wha' happen?

2008-02-05T12:32:00.000-08:00

So I have been on a journey for the last year, trying to figure out my diet. I am trying to be intentional about what I put in my body, why I eat the way I do, and what effect does it all have any way? I really can't explain this sudden minute interest in something that, up until recently, has rarely been a concern, except that I do have some free time at work, and free time leads to thinkging, and thinking leads to all kinds of Trouble, with a capital T.

So about nine months ago I cut dairy out of my diet. Not completely, but mostly. I do make exceptions every now and again, but for the most part I live a milk, cheese, ice cream, yogurt, sour cream, and butter free life. This was a really hard adjustment to make, and I have had to resort to the vegan friendly item on most menus, because the vegetarian item is a cheesy dish. This decision was purely for health reasons, and I am happy to report that since the dairy boycott I don't use nearly as many medications as I used to. Hooray!!!

Having conquered the dairy dilemma, I felt I needed a bigger challenge. So now no meat, and when that gets boring I will try to live solely on AIR!!!! Just kidding. But I did make a conscious decision to try to eat less meat. Why?!?!? Well the answer could potentially be discussed for several hours as I map out for you the spiritual, social, and physical reasonings behind the decision, but to sum it all up for you, I feel bad about how animals are treated when farmed in mass production. So I want to avoid these meats, which pretty much means I will eat free range meats, sooooo I won't be eating meats a whole lot. To quote a friend who was mocking me, I will only eat animals that were "happy" before they were slaughtered. Isn't that just ironic of me. But there it is. This makes me a flexitarian.

Go ahead, make fun of me, mock me, stare at me incredulously. It's nothing my closest friends and family haven't done already. And while you are at it, go ahead and tell me your story of how you tried to live a vegetarian lifestyle only to fail miserably. Those stories are meant to encourage me, right??? I am in a place right now, where I feel convicted, and I feel that, thankfully, I can do something about it, or at least I can try. So I'm gonna.

Last night was the first night where I intentionally made a meatless dinner. We made rice and bean burritos, with grilled onions, peppers and sauteed mushrooms. We topped them with fresh vine tomatoes and avocado, all atop a flour tortilla. YUM!! Jonathan liked it so much, he said I should open a restaurant. I think I better try a few more dishes before I go that far, you know put the horse before the cart and all. But I am definitally encouraged. This will be hard, but not impossible.

But come on, don't you wanna bite? I call it Burrrito ala Guatemalan.

How do you express yourself creatively?

2008-01-31T11:28:00.000-08:00

So a few weeks back Jonathan's friends were visiting from Alaska. Since they couldn't make it to our wedding, they wanted to take us out for dinner to celebrate. I was a wee bit nervous, because I always feel like such a kid around some of Jonathan's friends, like this couple. I know it's silly, they are only around five years older than I am, it really isn't that big of a difference as far as the numbers go, but it is more like they are older than in me in stages of life. See I just got married, they have been married for five plus years. They have two girls, I have have two plants. You see what I mean? There is a stage of life that they have entered that suddenly makes them more mature. Like when my little brother had a son, suddenly he was the sage elder imparting wisdom on my life. Maybe I am too synical, maybe in these life stages so much growth happens that you really do mature exponentially. I dunno. Still I can't help but feeling like a high school kid, happily reading comics, and researching new bands, and living with relatively few responsibilities, while people around my age are buying houses, having babies, or planning on having babies. I don't regret my life, I am happy with it, but I can't explain this sense of inferiority when I interact with these "adults". Ah, silly girl, you are just a slow blooming flower, and even when you do bloom, you will likely be a bright orange in a mostly lavender field.

Well on to the the dinner. The dinner was YUM! We went to a British Pub and I had a cornish pasty, with mashed potatoes, and steamed veggies. So good. And we were all so stuffed that we shared a sticky toffee pudding for dessert. Yes, I broke my dairy fast for this tempting dish. So worth it! We didn't want the night to end, so we went to a nearby jazz bar and had a few drinks, and chatted the night away.

It was during this time of conversation that the question posed in the title was asked of me. We had been discussing the musical career and endeavors of my husband, and then of his sister, both talented songwriters and musicians. I also have dabbled in music, and to this I believe the friends were hinting when they asked me, "So, Susanne, how do you express yourself creatively?" And I , in my most sincere tone, replied, "Oh, I crochet, and I craft." Their expressions quickly moved from interest to confusion. Noting their perplexed countenances, I realized, my reponse was unexpected, and dare I say it, even unbelievable. Crochet??? Can that really be considered a form of creative exression??? Admittedly it lacks the glamour that acting, dancing, or songwriting maintain, and it might even evoke images of granny sitting in a rocking chair watching day-time soaps, BUT that was my honest initial response.

After this flub, I tried to defend the craft, and show them how it is a valid art form. But that was going nowhere, so I cleared my throat and said, "And I write songs and sing too." And there it was, the response they wanted. And we then were able to have a short discussion about my creative endeavors, you know the legitimate ones.

Funny thing is , I really believe that crochet and music are wonderful creative outlets for me. I love them both. I enter seasons with each. There are seasons when, if I have any free time, I have my guitar in hand and I belt out songs that make me cry, much to my neighbor's dismay, I am sure. And there are seasons when I just can't stop crocheting, and I am adventurously trying new and more complicated patterns, adjusting them here and there so that they suit my fancy, and loving it! Both are true forms of creative expression, for me anyway. How about you? How do you express yourself creatively? I promise not to judge. *wink*

This is how I expressed myself creatively this week:

Not bad, huh?

New Year's, Seattle and Nicolas

2008-01-15T12:04:00.000-08:00

This year for New Year's we celebrated in Seattle, WA. It was Jonathan's third trip to the Pacific northwest in 2007, and my second. Last time I was there, it was for our honeymoon in Oregon, and it was during a wind storm. It pretty much rained the whole time. And it was forcasted to rain our whole trip to Seattle also, but it was surprisingly dry. It rained the first day and then not again until after we left. Granted it was a short trip, so it was really only 2 and half days sans rain. But I still appreciated it.

We went up to meet Jonathan's new nephew, Nicolas. I guess he is my new nephew too now. Anyway, it was kinda of like a mini-reunion, since Jonathan's parents were also visiting. Isn't it amazing how babies can unite people? I have seen this in my own family. The different generations gather around the tiny person being cradled, waiting for their turn to hold him, or just watching in wonder at how small the child is. This trip was an especially uniting one because of Nicolas.

Isn't he cute!! And he loves to be held. And there certainly wasn't a lack of arms waiting for their chance to hold him. The family was split between two homes. The Van Essen home, where my mother and father-in-law were staying, and the Nascimento home, where Jonathan and I were staying. But no matter the two different locations we all gathered together to spend time with Maile and Nicolas. And that is the magic of babies. Oh little one, you can't possibly know how loved you already are, and what a difference you have already made in this family.

I could go on and on about Nicolas, but I think you may have had your fill. So onward we go. Though this was my first trip to Seattle, there was a bit of pressure on me to like it. You see, my wonderful traveler of a husband has an itching to move out of sunny SoCal and he has his eye set on the Pacific northwest. Seeing as how I couldn't see myself in Portland, he was really anxious about Seattle. Now, aren't you curious to see how I felt about Seattle??? Perhaps these images may shed some light:

Such a pretty view. Wanna See what we're looking at?

Urban culture?? He he he...

Pike's Place: Don't I just look like a Seattle-ite?

Set of Howl's Moving Castle. Doesn't it kinda remind you of that?

Beautiful lake/park.

Beautiful family.

So what is the verdict? Well I really had a great time in Washington. And I really enjoyed Seattle, and yes I could see myself living there. Maybe someday in the future. There are some things I want to take care of here before I move. But for now, SoCal is my home, and though there are elements of being here that drive me crazy (refer to smog entry) this desert land has it's own beauty. We had a few rainy days recently and the skies were clear, and it was so beautiful. I stare out in wonder and dream of what this land must have looked like before the sprawling cities. There is definitely something attractive about it, something that beckons people to come and stay.

So I started January 1st, 2008 in Seattle, then boarded a plane and spent the evening that same day in Los Angeles/Anaheim. My parents say that whatever you are doing on new Year's is how you will spend the rest of that year. So who knows, maybe there were will be more trips up north or maybe I will be traveling. Maybe Jonathan and I will spend more time than ever with his family. Only time will tell.

It was a great trip. I absolutely love that little boy, Nicolas, and for the first time, I felt like I might actually be a part of Jonathan's family. Both Nicolas and I are new additions, and we will have to find and carve out our place here. But it is a good family, and we are lucky. Aren't we little one?

I'm Back!

2007-12-20T10:38:00.000-08:00

Well, I have been a married woman for a whole month! It went by so fast. I don't even know where to begin. In a nutshell the wedding was fabulous! So many people helped make it all come together, and the result was wonderful! It was better than I expected. It took nine months to plan and prepare and then it was all over in a blink of an eye. I seriously hardly remember a thing, thankfully so many people took pictures so there is proof that the day really did happen.

While we were on the honeymoon (more on that in a moment) it took me a while to accept that it really was over. All the planning, and gluing, paper cutting, trinket buying, list making, sewing, shopping, and packing was over. All that time, all that work, and in a heartbeat it was done. I know everything looked beautiful, and all that work came to fruition, but there was a sort of shock that came once the storm was over. I can't explain the feeling...I was happy, but in shock. Then last week I found out that our wedding might be featured in The Knot So Cal edition for Fall/Winter 08!!! It was like God looked down on me, and wanted to let me know that He saw all the work I did, and He thought is was lovely. I know this is silly, because I don't need a magazine to say they liked my wedding in order for me to know that, but it was a sort of wonderful surprise, and affirmation. So look for it next year, I know I will!

Now to the honeymoon. I won't go into the intimate details, but there a few things I can share. We started our honeymoon by going to Disneyland. It was so much fun! We wore our complementary "Just Married" pins from Disneyland, and I had on the Bride ears, and Jonathan had on the top hat. All the cast members who noticed our pins congratulated us as we walked around the park. It was so much fun!

Then we left for Portland on Monday. It was a holiday so the airport was packed, and we missed our flight :( so we got a ride from my mom to LAX and caught a plane leaving that afternoon. When we got into Oregon it was raining, and that pretty much set the tone for the entire trip.

Most of our stay was at a resort in Depoe Bay, Oregon. It was beautiful, rainy, but beautiful. The first two days were actually the sunniest, but those were also the days that I slept the most. I think my body was trying to make up for the months and months of deprived sleep the wedding caused. It was so nice to just close my eyes and not get up until I felt well rested, which often meant 11am. Jonathan said he was surprised by how much I slept. I am usually an early riser, and quite the morning person.

Our goal was to do 2 things: 1. golf, and 2. hike, things that we could not do in the rain, and since it rained the rest of our stay, well we did neither. But we did drive up the coast, to visit Tillamook and the cheese factory there (Tillamook, which will forever be called F-ing Tillamook, ask me why later). We drove to Astoria, where Kindergarten Cop, and The Goonies were filmed. I actually saw the three rocks that are used as the map in the Goonies!!! So cool. We also visited an art gallery in Astoria that was really cool! Astoria is a cute, hip kinda place. I would love to visit it in the summer.

On our last day in Depoe Bay we decided to visit the local spa. It was AMAZING!! So classy and fancy, I have never done anything like that before. We both got a one hour body massage, another thing I had never done before. They massaged my butt! Ha! That was awkward, but surprisingly relaxing. Not sure if I would do that again...who am I kidding, of course I would! The best part of the trip to the spa, was the relaxation room. There I sat in a hot jacuzzi in a room that could only be described as tranquil and calming. Sitting in the jacuzzi, I stared out the glass wall that faced the bay, which offered the most amazing view of nature. However, the day we were at the spa was also the day a storm visited Depoe Bay. So there I am sitting in tranquility, completely calm and relaxed, while gazing at an angry storm happening before my very eyes; trees violently jerking with the wind, and birds clinging on for dear life trying hard not to be taken away, an angry grey sky pounding on the bay. It seriously could have been a postcard. "Find comfort and peace, from the storms of life. Visit Salishan Day Spa".

From Depoe Bay we headed to Portland. The ride there was beautiful. There were so many colors. And even a red barn!

We stayed in the Alphabet District of Portland, which was very cute, and reminded me of Old Town Pasadena. It rained wile we were there, and though that threw a wrench in most of our day plans, if not for the rain we would not have had the illusion of light dusting the sidewalks and streets. Beautiful. It was truly a wonderful trip.

The farther away I get from the trip the more I miss it. Waking up late and snuggling with my husband. Taking our time to get up, making breakfast and coffee. Exploring towns with no real plan but to take it all in. Just walking hand in hand and breathing in the cool crisp air... It really was a lovely time.

I am glad to be back, and though it is taking longer than I anticipated to get used to being married, I can honestly say I love it, and I am happy. Life is good.

4 Days of Singleness

2007-11-06T08:57:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to Disneyland with Jonathan. I needed it. We shouldn't have gone because his family had just flown in and were visiting and we hadn't seen them all day. But I was panicking. I am getting married in 4 days, and well the thing is, I hate change. And this is going to be a big change. And I am scared. There I said it.

So I needed to take an evening to be with Jonathan at the "Happiest Place on Earth", and remember how much I have been longing for this day. And be reminded of how lucky and blessed I have been to have a wonderful person want to spend the rest of his life with me. It was a very needed night out, and it was wonderful!

We watched the "Parade of Dreams". I have seen it many times before, but this time we watched it from a raised sitting area near It's a Small World, quite comfy really. I waved at Belle, Ariel, and Simba, and sang along with the beautifully dressed dancers "Welcome to our Family time, welcome to our brotherly time..." And it rushed over me, as if I was a five year old girl being swept away by the magic of it all, this is my family time. Time for my old family, time for my soon-to-be family, and time to start my new family. It's this last family that I am most excited about. I am so happy to finally have a home, and that home is wherever Jonathan and I are. And maybe in the future we will add some little ones to that home, like a corgi, or a beagle. And I am so excited for that. And just like that the panic dissipated (though it keeps creeping back randomly throughout the day).

This has been such a long process. It was a year ago that Jonathan finally asked me to marry him. We had been dating for 4 years at that point and I was READY! I had just moved into a house with 8 other girls (eek!) , strangers to me, and had been feeling like an outsider. They all were very kind, and I have since come to love them all so much! But seeing as how they were all students with the wacky schedule students are bound to have, it was a rare occasion if we were ever all home at the same time. But for some reason on this particular night, all 8 girls were home, and staying up and waiting for me to come home. And waiting to see if Jonathan finally did it...And he did!!!! And there was much laughter, and smiles, and giggles, and screaming. And for the first time we took our house portrait:

Aren't they all beautiful! And yes Jonathan is in the portrait, because he is the honorary house-mate/handyman. My love! Isn't he cute!

Okay, so that was a happy night for us! There was much rejoicing, merriment, and general holiday cheer! And here we are again, two winks away from Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I am going to be married in 4 days!!! I can hardly believe that it has been a year. It went by so fast. So much has happened in that time. I am sure that in another year I will be saying the same thing.

So here's to another year, to the adventures before me, the fear within me, and the blessings of love, in all it's faces and forms!

And here is to silly pictures! To Christmas trees! To hugging arms! And to you for reading all the way through this! Next time I post I will be a married woman...

The Rain of Forgiveness

2007-10-18T16:50:00.000-07:00

Recently the sky has looked like it was going to rain. I mean the sky looks pregnant with rain, and is seconds away from giving birth and ... and… and nothing. It is as though the sky is taunting us. Showing us something we need but can’t have.

Now when it comes down to it, I am a southern California girl through and through. I enjoy my fair share of rain, but I am not one of those people who claim to LOVE rain, who get all dramatic when the sky turns grey and act as though it is the perfect time to run outdoors and frolic in a field. But rather, I am one of those folks who enjoys the smell of wet asphalt, that nostalgic smell that recalls days in grammar school playing dodge ball during recess, I breath in that familiar smell and smile, and there might even be the slightest bounce in my step for those 60 seconds it takes me to walk from my work building to my car. And that’s all I need. 60 seconds.

I much rather observe the rain from indoors, nice and dry. I might open a window or sit under a covered awning to take in the scents that only come when it rains. Those smells that comfort you and reassure that mother nature is cleaning house and taking care of you in the process.

Now maybe this last metaphor is best understood by those of us who have lived in southern California. Those of us who have see the sky in a brownish tint. We, who have scanned the horizon and witnessed some of God’s magnificent design in nature and have understood the desire of many Americans to migrate to sunny southern California, only to have the glory of this place marred by the inches and inches of brown haze looming over our cities, even hiding our hills and mountains, as if to say “How mighty are you really?”

Oh that damn smog! I don’t know why, but it seems like this year more than any other, I have noticed it. I am sure it has always been there. But I never paid attention. For some reason God has opened my eyes to it and it makes me sad. And I feel guilty daily, as I make my 65 minute commute from home to work and back. Yes, I am carpooling, but I am still contributing to the smog. And there is no way out of it that I can see. It makes me sick. I must admit, every time I gaze at the horizon, I am tempted to hold my breath, and protect my lungs from that filth. I don’t take a breathe again until I look away; out of sight out of mind.

And I write all this to say, that recently it has looked like it is going to rain. And this year more than ever, I am yearning for that rain, that cleansing and forgiving rain. This is one of the worst droughts California has had in a while, and it is as if Earth knows it, and mother earth is withholding her forgiveness, waiting for us to wake up and realize how we are torturing the earth. This place where Christ walked, where God set foot upon, where God let the fullness of his imagination run wild. It’s as though she is waiting for a contrite and repentant spirit before she pours forgiveness and life down.

I want to make peace with the earth, but I feel so helpless. I want to be a good steward of this kingdom He left us, but I feel trapped in this capitalistic world. I cry, full of shame and guilt. Lord when you died, and you forgave us, did you forgive us of even this, the defilement of your land? May your GRACE stretch out even here, on this bit of soil I call home.

Life In a Fish Bowl

2007-10-11T09:51:00.000-07:00

It has been more than a year since I have wanted to start this blog. It has also been more than a year since I began my life in corporate America. Ahh the good life...

I have decided to start a chain of entries about my observations, and experiences as an Administrative Assistant (that is, a secretary), and they will be titled "Life in a Fish Bowl".

"Why's that?" did you ask? Well, it is simple really. I am the admin. assistant, so I sit at the front of the office, I have no proper cubicle, and thus no semblance of privacy. Absolutely everything I do is visible to everyone. And all the looky-lous love it! Anything on my desk is fair game. Please feel free to pick up my personal items. I don't mind, really. No no, I wasn't in the middle of writing a personal email, go ahead and read from over my shoulder, in fact, why don't you just read it aloud so all can hear. And don't worry I hate the concept of personal space, in fact I love it when you come and rearrange the items on my desk. It's like my very own game of hide-n-seek. What fun!

And so it goes...my life up here at the receptionist desk is like a little fish in a fish bowl. No privacy, no personal space, crystal clear glass inviting the world to come and peer into everything I do because they have nothing better to do. Isn't it great!

Like the other day, I had a pile of mortgage industry newspapers on my desk. I was gathering them to send them to another department for a big-wig on another floor to read and pass on when he was threw with them, when a co-worker walks up to drop off some paperwork for me and notices a picture of GW on the front of one of the newspapers.

"Oh is this an old paper?" she says, seconds away from picking the paper up and taking it to her desk.

"No, it isn't a newspaper. It is a mortgage paper " I say half tempted to swat her hand away. Apparently she must have mistaken a newspaper on my desk as hers.

But I can understand, because everyone else in the office seems to confuse my stuff that is in my area as theirs all the time, and so it would make perfect sense to touch, grab and take whatever it is from my desk. Please, help yourself. Don't mind me. I'll just keep swimming around in my fish bowl...